Zombie-in-laws
by Mrotrax
Summary: Semi-sequel to/extended version of Villain mistake 1. A series of events leads to Minato and Kushina coming back to life after the war is ended early, and hijinks ensue when they refuse to leave until they have at least one grandchild. And why is Kami getting involved? Future sex scenes and zombie violence. Narusaku
1. The move that changed everything

Zombie-in-laws

Plot: Semi-sequel to Villian Mistake #1. A series of events leads to both of our heroes' parents being brought from the dead, causing chaos of both dramatic and hilarious proportions to unfold.

Chapter 1

_17 years ago, Kurama, the great 9 tailed fox aka Kyuubi, attacked the village of Kohona. His tails lashed out, destroying mountains and causing earthquakes and tidal waves crashing onto dry land. _

_The ninja of Konoha, guardians of right and enemies of wrong, fought bravely, but they were no match against their ruthless enemy. They soon faced annihilation._

"Hold the attack and wait for Lord Hokage!" Choza Akimichi ordered his men, who grew as large as they could to battle the monster head on.

"It's getting closer!" Fugaku Uchiha roared as his men unleashed their fire style. "Don't let it near the village!"

_Two ninja faced the fox in mortal combat and managed to capture and seal the beast in a human body, saving their village and many innocent lives. _

_Unfortunately, the pair did not survive and the host was their newborn child._

_12 years passed before the child learnt what really happened on his birthday, but it would be another 4 before he learnt his parent's role in this. For most of that time, the child was hated, scorned and sometimes abused, yet never did his persistence fail._

_By the eve of his the child's 17__th__ birthday, he had gained friends and defeated many enemies, often befriending them in some way. A war had also broken out; a war between the 5 great villages and the terrorist organization Akatsuki, led by the same man who orphaned the boy._

_This is where our tale begins…._

Tobi plotted his next move from his base at Mountain's grave, irritation filling his being.

Things had been going fine, save for a few hiccups here and there, but nothing he couldn't work around. He had an unstoppable army of undead fighters, plus the Zetsu has snuck into camps and starting killing medics without anyone being able to tell the difference. This was going to become known as the shortest world war with not even two full days of conflict.

And then…HE had come along. The biggest thorn in his side since the day he had been conceived; the one person who had defeated more of his subordinates than any other and excelled at making things more difficult than they already where…. only child of his master.

The boy was once again single handily ruining his plans for the Moon's eye plan; with his new abilities, he could sense the Zetsu spies and was turning them into trees. At the rate he was going (damn clone spells), he'd be on the losing end.

"What do I have to do to get this little brat out of the way?"

Tobi didn't hate the boy solely because of him ruining his plans, though that was a huge reason; it was the boy's personality.

Before becoming the calm and meticulous masked criminal mastermind bent on world enslavement that he was today, Tobi had once been, as previously stated, a student of the brat's father: He'd been brash, impulsive, kind-hearted and caring to those around him with the dream of becoming leader of his village. He had lived by the motto 'those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than that.'

He'd abandoned that childish thought when the love of his life was killed by his best friend to save their home from destruction. Then he'd plotted to cast the world into an enteral sleep, where they'd be reunited and live the perfect life.

The fact the brat had his old persona and had never wavered was what Tobi hated the most about him.

It then struck Tobi; why hadn't he thought of it before? The boy's obvious weakness; he cared too much! Just like he used to.

A Zetsu suddenly appeared from the ground beneath him, haggard and out of breath.

"B-b-boss!"

"What seems to be the problem?" Tobi asked.

"Well….I got good news and bad news." The plant man explained after catching his breath. "The bad is that Sasuke has escaped our custody and is heading for the battlefield just as Itachi broke free of Reanimation. The good is that HE has somehow been resurrected."

Kabuto really did work fast, Tobi mused, some relief filling him. The resurrecting snake-freak had used his mentor to force himself into the alliance, but now that he was awake, he could move more freely while everyone tried to figure out his next move.

As for Sasuke, he'd helped him out of a feeling of clan loyalty and give Konoha something else to worry about, so no sweat off his back.

While his conspirator dealt with the masses, Tobi could handle the boy. All he needed was bait, and he knew just who to get….

**Divison One medical tent**

"PIGS DON'T HAVE HANDS!"

Sakura Haruno had been taking a quick breather from healing, chugging a water bottle down before taking a seat. As one of the best medical-ninja in the world (if the praise others had given her was any indication), her skills had been in high demand, and she had gained several admirers in the men she had saved.

With that knowledge, her mind suddenly turned to the two men in her life (Lee was nice, but would never be more than a friend); Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzumaki. The former she'd been in love with for years…at least, that's what she thought, and the latter had become her best friend and confidante despite his obvious crush on her.

No, not crush, she corrected herself. Love. Naruto Uzumaki was in love with her and had been since he was at least 8 years old. Sasuke had, with the sole exception of the day they'd become a team, never looked at her with any romantic interest.

As to her opening quote?

The Neji-imposter may have fooled her with his chakra and injuries, but when the prodigy and genius had failed to correct her on Tonton the pig weaving hand-signs, he'd outed himself.

"Talk." She growled as she increased the force of her hold. The plant man did nothing but wheeze as purple fluid came from his mouth.

"Thank you Zetsu, that'll be all." A voice from behind her suddenly said.

Sakura turned just in time to see a man in a Rinnegan-like mask wearing black battle gear staring at her before he grabbed her by the mouth. Instinctively, the young woman swung down her arm in a chakra-powered karate chop, rending the limb from his body before he could make his escape.

"Good thing it was my Wood-style arm…" The masked man grumbled as he tied the dripping arm up. "Otherwise I'd be most irritated."

Sakura glared at her opponent. She knew who this was; he may have changed outfits, but it was still the same teleporter with phasing powers who had prevented Naruto from her from retrieving Sasuke on their third attempt and sent them to an alternate word; Tobi.

"Naruto's not here." She said as she entered her battle stance and preparing her reserve seal.

"I'm aware of that." The attacker smiled under his mask. "He'll be here shortly, though. I've placed everyone under a genjutsu that'll cancel when he makes it here. Besides, I'm here for you, young lady."

Sakura was quick to figure out the masked man's reasons for his action.

"That is the biggest cliché in the book!" Sakura glared as she swung her arm to strike her enemy. "Besides, you tried that already, and look how that turned out."

"That was in an alternate world." Tobi reminded her, as he drew his fan. "I know your every move, Ms. Haruno. Resistance is futile."

He then rushed at his target, who nimbly dodged and jumped whilst blocking the fan with a kunai. This lasted for about five minutes before Sakura lost her kunai and she leapt upwards, only to be grabbed.

"Got ya." Tobi smiled as he prepared to teleport.

"You mean I got you." She smirked as her foot made contact and the thin outline of a diamond appeared on her forehead.

Tobi was sent flying through the base, trees and through a boulder before his powers reactivated and he briefly teleported back to his personal dimension.

"Okay, first…WHAT?! Whew, okay, I'm cool now. She's trickier than I thought." He admitted. Losing an arm was one thing, but being caught off guard and sent flying through several tents and a forest with a kick? "No wonder the brat loves her."

Sakura rushed out of what remain of her tent and rushed to Shizune, hoping to at least cancel the genjutsu placed on her. She was quick to dispose of the still awake shinobi, correctly guessing they were Zetsu clones.

Unfortunately, pre-activating her reserve seal (a bad move on her part, she realized, but when faced with an S-class ninja she had no choice) had burnt up most of her chakra and left her tired after the plant men were defeated.

A cloth was suddenly tightly wrapped around Sakura's mouth as a familiar gloved hand appeared and forced her to the ground.

"Sleep." Tobi commanded as he forced the girl into a genjutsu, only to see her cancel it before her arms were tied, as where her legs. She struggled to do the signs for the jutsu to dispel knots, but found she couldn't produce the chakra for it.

"I applaud you for injuring me, young lady." Tobi smirked behind his mask. "But those aren't ordinary binds; they come from the First Hokage's cells."

He then detected his mentor ominous energy and picked up his prisoner, who tried to insult him under her gag.

"Time to get going. Let's see how long the 9 tails lasts when protecting the one he loves." He smiled evilly as he teleported to intercept his master.

When Naruto's clone arrived to the now in ruins base, he found a note addressed to him. Upon reading it, he ripped it up and dispelled, sending the information to the original, who started thundering towards the edge of the island.

"Madara…." He growled.

**To be Countinued….**

Read Villian Mistake 1 before going onto the next chapter…


	2. We're back, you know?

Zombie-in-laws

Happy Halloween folks of Fanfic! Enjoy!

To my many loyal readers, I thank you for your patience and appertiate you, I truly do. I'll try to update when I can, but school keeps me busy. If you want to adopt a story, send me a message.

Enjoy and stay safe this Halloween

**Chapter 2: We're back, ya know?**

"Lady Hokage?" A Jounin bowed to the beautiful 5th Hokage as she and the other Kages rested up from their battle with Madara.

"Yes?"

"We have a…situation that requires your attention." The ninja said. "Well, technically two…but you get the idea."

The leader of the Hidden Leaf village sighed, put her robe and hat on and went to investigate.

There stood her predecessor, the blonde, spiky haired fourth Hokage along with someone who had caused both of her beloved surrogate children a boatload of heartache; their old teammate, Sasuke Uchiha.

"Lady Tsunade." He bowed respectfully. "Wonderful to see you again. The years have treated you well."

"Now Minato," Tsundae lightly smiled. "Jiraiya should've taught you, fattery will get you nowhere."

"I'm being honest." The older male blonde smiled. "What can I do for you? I was just asking my son and his girlfriend here…"

"WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!" The teens roared, making their former comrade inch back a little.

"I'd like us to be, though…" Naruto said to himself.

"…when I could expect some grandkids, considering my son just saved the world without blowing anything up." Minato smiled.

"Is there a particular reason you're still here?" The female kage asked her late teammates' greatest student.

"Well, Mr. Orochimaru over there cut me and the others out of the reaper's stomach, effectively freeing me from the seal I placed. To do so, he used some of those white plant guys made from your grandpa's cells as vessels for our spirits. While that explains why we didn't vanish along with the other Edo Tensei zombies, it seems that until that happens or the Reaper comes back, though that's unlikely, I think I'll be able to stick around and bond with my son."

Tsunade smiled as father and son hugged before turning her attention to Sasuke.

"I'm not going to lie, you caused a hell of a lot of trouble." Tsunade glared at the young man. "Betraying the village, joining two criminal organizations, stealing artifacts, sparking a fourth world war…."

"Don't forget stabbing me in the lung three times!" Naruto roared, only to be glared. "What? It hurt!"

Ignoring her surrogate grandson and hopeful successor, Tsunade turned to the last Uchiha.

"The only reason I have not killed you where you stand is because your teammates, both of whom I love like they were my own children, have begged for you to be brought back. And before you say you 'don't care what those losers think', keep in mind that they have fought peope stronger than you and are the reason you're alive."

"Whatever." Sasuke sighed. "I'll do my time when we get back…then I'll be taking your hat and title."

….

….

….

Under any other circumstance, Sasuke's words would've caused a riot (by which I man Naruto would've yelled at him) and he probably would've been flattened into a pancake before Tsundae gave him yet another lecture.

But not today.

A pair of hands suddenly burst from the ground, scraping the grass before something shot out. Everyone jumped back as something with long, smooth red hair that flayed in the wind, almost like Kurama's tails. Their face was hidden and they swayed back and fourth, gasping.

A mighty roar filled the air, shaking the world. All the ninja rushed to the scene, only to freeze at the sight of the redhead

"OI!" The redhead roared. "16 years in the Underworld gives you the worst cricks!"

"No way…" Naruto tensed.

"It can't be…" Minato noted.

"That's impossible!" A shuddered.

The father and son broke away from the crowd and could no longer hear

"Kushina?" Minato asked, praying this wasn't a dream.

"Mom?"

"THAT'S YOUR MOM?" His friends all screamed, unable to believe that not only had their friend come from the loins of the world's greatest hero, but his mother was one of the most beautiful kunochi to grace the planet.

"After today," Ino declared. "Nothing will surprise me."

"Somehow, I doubt that." Shikamaru quipped.

"MY BABY!" Kushina screamed as tears fell down her eye and she hugged her son, who retruned the embrace. "My sweet little Naruto. You've grown so big."

Mianto, tears in his eyes, joined the hug and kissed his wife and son.

"Ma….Pa…." the child of destiny whimpered, years of pent-up tears leaving his body.

"Lame!" Kiba and Kankuro hollered, only to be smacked by a tearful Hinata, Ino and an enrage Temari.

"Shut up dog-breath/Kiba-kun/baka!" They roared. "You're ruining a beautiful family moment!"

The others glared at their dog-using friend, who promptly shut up.

There were quite a few tears in the audience; Gaara wept tears of joy, happy for his friend

That was, until Kushina's legs suddenly fell off.

"What was that?" She asked. "And why do I feel funny?"

"Uh, Mom…" Naruto pointed out. "There's a hole in your chest."

Glancing down, Kushina saw there was indeed a rather large hole that took up most of her torso. She remembered where it came from, shielding her newborn baby from an out of control Kurama.

"Oh." She noted. "Why, yes there is. Minato-sweetie, would you be a dear and reattach my body?"

"Of course, my darling." Minato said as picked up his shapely wife's legs. "AND DON'T ANYBODY LOOK WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T!"

Many of the men (and some women) turned around, not wanting to be on the receiving end of the legendary Hokages wrath.

"It's not working." Minato said as he tried to reattach his wife after several failed attempts. "Anybody know how to heal a…"

"Minato…." Kushina growled angrily, making her son wince in fear;

"I was going to say…" He struggled to find the words, but sent a pleading look to the masses for some help. Sakura relcunatntly went up and eventually succeded.

"Sakura?" Kushina asked. "Is that you? You've grown since you were just a little baby."

Sakura was surprised Naruto's mother knew her name

"Your mom and I were best friends." Kushina explained. "In fact, we were going to try and set you two up."

She then bowed.

"Thank you for looking after my son."

Sakura then bowed, still in shock.

"Oh no, Lady Kushina, Naruto…I mean your son has looked after me and…."

"How you feeling mom?" Naruto asked, getting a nod of thanks from his beloved. "Any better?"

"Well," Kushina mused. "My skin is grey and cracked, I'm missing an eye, feels like my jaw could fall off at any second and for some reason I have the strangest craving for…brains."

That got everyone's attention.

"Now that you mention it….me too." Minato said.

Everyone tensed.

"Edo tensei don't eat human flesh!" Onoki hissed.

"You're forgetting the Kushina-dono literally crawled out of the underworld." Mei reminded her short and elderly fellow Kage. "I can't imagine she's eaten much."

Kushina then spotted Orochimaru, who was suddenly wishing he wasn't here.

"Kabuto, I do believe I hear the Oto ninjas calling us." he hesitantly said, signalling his right hand it was time to go. Before they could however, they were ensnared in chakra chains.

"You….." She hissed. "You dare put your hands on my baby and make his life miserable!"

"No, stop Kushina! Please, forgive…" The rogue begged before she brought her jaws down and ripped off the skin of his arm.

"Hm." She muched. "Not bad at all."

Kabuto tried to save his master, but Minato leapt on him, stabbed his palms with kunai and salivated.

"This is for almost killing my son."

He then ripped off the medic's face and promptly devoured him in one bite (making several clans faint) before going to join his wife.

"How'd he taste?" Kushina asked as blood dripped from her chin, only to be licked by her husband. The hole in her chest was now healed up, her long hair blocking the view of perverts who would've killed to see her.

"Like a mix of earth, spiders, bones, sound and twins." Minato smiled. "Have I ever said you look so beautiful covered in blood?"

"Why Minato…" Kushina smiled as she ripped out Orochimaru's pancreas and fed it to her husband. Soon, they not only devouring one of their son's enemies, but…well….

Making love in front of the entire alliance.

What remained of their clothes had come off first and been thrown onto Sasuke's face. The Uchiha promptly panicked and went to hide behind Choji.

"WHY IS NO ONE STOPPING THIS?" The snake Sannin, his neck fully extended begged as Kushina munched on his liver and Minato slurped up his intestines after snapping his neck.

Throughout all of this, the Konoha 12 had been frozen in shock, fear and disgust, yet no one, not even the shy Hinata, had fainted. Sugietsu and Karin had, and Jugo was struggling not to puke all over the ground.

"Oh god…" Sakura gagged. "Now, I've seen some gross things as a medic…"

"And Orochimaru's done some disgusting shit…" Sasuke whimpered, barely able to hold his puke in when Minato ripped off Orochimaru's leg and started eating his foot.

"But this is definitely the worst?" Naruto asked, having inwardly puked in Kurama's half of his mindscape when his parents took a bite out of Orochimaru's neck.

"**OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE!" **The biju roared. **"NARUTO, YOU OWE ME BIG TIME!"**

"Just imagine what they'll be like when we take them back to the village." Shino said.

All the Konoha natives tensed and prayed to Kami that the zombie parents would be merciful.

Soon however, they'd realized they wouldn't have had to worry…

Next time: Zombies in the village, parental payback!


	3. Parental Payback

Zombie-in-laws

**Chapter 2: The Village is in BIG Trouble**

What's scarier than a zombie chasing you? A zombie with super-speed and or chain powers that knows you abused its child.

The Konoha members of the ninja alliance could honestly say that they had been dreading coming home.

After their rather…unforgettable revival, Minato and Kushina finally realized what they'd been doing and ran off in embarrassment. It took their son to find them and admit that, while he was unnerved, was just happy to have them back in his life. Naruto also, in a small bit of uncharacteristically leader-like behavior, ordered Ino to get all the Yamanakas to erase the memories of the other ninjas involved.

Then there had been the battle of the ages, which made up for the lack of saving the world:

Minato and Kushina vs. Sarutobi…..

"_I can explain!" Sarutobi hollered as deflected many of Minato's kunai with his staff_

"_I don't want to hear it!" Minato and Kushina both screamed. "You could've kept Kurama a secret! You could've just said we sealed it into the ground and that our son might have gotten the leftovers! You could've made sure only the elders knew! Oh! And you could've adopted him, you stupid, chain smoking, limp-dicked, perverted, overly nice senior citizen!"_

_Hashirama and Tobirama simply watched in amazement as their student was pummeled with an inch of his un-life by the descendant of Mito and their blonde brother-in-rank._

"_Mom, dad…" Naruto said. "As much as I kind of agree with what you're saying…the Old man was still the first person who made my life liveable, so…."_

"_Ease off on killing him again?" Minato asked_

"_Y-yeah."_

_Kushina grumbled, memories of when Sarutobi helped her filling her head_

"_You owe him big time, Smokey Saru."_

_Tobirama and Hashirama suddenly burst into laugher_

"_Smokey Saru! That's a good one!" Hashirama teared._

"_I'm keeping that one." Tobirama smirked as he jotted the name down in a suddenly appearing notebook_

Shortly after that, the First 3 Hokage returned to the underworld, happy to have helped…even though they really didn't do much. With that, the war was decreed over at only 3 days of fighting and everyone returned home.

Throughout the whole trip, Minato and Kushina stood nearby their son, learning everything about his life. They'd never been prouder….

"THEY WHAT?!"

Or angrier when they finally learnt the…less than pleasant events of their son's life so far.

"At least he avoided it until the end." Shikamaru whispered.

With that knowledge, the two had stormed into the village and taken over the Hokage mansion the minute Tsundae had brought everyone up to speed.

"Honey." Kushina sighed. "I'll handle this."

She ignored the hoots and hubba-hubbas (Naruto on the other hand snarled as shoutbed 'that's my mom, you pigs!) before clearing her throat.

"This is a cookie jar; we'll say it's my son." Kushina explained to the masses as she pulled something from behind her. "THIS is a cookie; we'll say it Kurama."

She then did what most people would do with the two objects; place the cookie in the jar.

"Now…has the jar become the cookie?" She growled.

"No, and what does this have to do with…Oooooh." The civilians (minus the Ichirakus) said in realization.

"I regret so much…" Several of the academy instructors and Naruto's former classmates whimpered. Iruka, who was watching from the sides, took 'slight' pleasure at this.

"Now, let's talk about punishment…" Kushina smiled evilly as her hair began to flare and she cracked her knuckles. "This is a military dictatorship after all, and harming a solider, never mind the child of one, is punishable by…well, you idiots should be able to figure it out."

One particularly brave (or stupid, your choice) civilian, Hibachi, stepped forward

"L-Lord and Lady Uzumaki…." He started, only to be grabbed by chains and then pulled upward.

"You nearly got my baby killed…" Kushina growled, remembering a childhood memory of Naruto's; Hibachi had at first been a normal bully, but he crossed the line when he sent her son to an area filled with enemy ninja on the pretense he'd become his friend if he did. If it hadn't been for Kakashi and Iruka…

"Minato, control your wife!" Elder Homura demanded, only to be glared at by the undead father, who pinned him and Koharu to the wall with kunai.

"Silence." The Fourth Hokage growled. "We'll get to you soon enough."

"I warned you." Tsunade smiled impishly at the sight, happy that the elders who had plagued her to no end where getting some payback.

"People of Konoha." Minato started, causing all to fall silent. "Unless you want me to get angry, do not utter another word until I'm done and FUCKING listen to me."

Minato had never once sworn in his entire life.

"You have disappointed me more than I have disappointed myself. I grew up loving this village; it took an orphan like me off the streets and molded him into something great; so great in fact, that only his wife and Raikage A rivalled him. When I finally became Hokage I was so grateful and happy to be giving back to my home…but not nearly as happy as when I learnt I was going to have a son."

Tsume Inuzuka, Choza Akimichi, Kizashi Haruno and Hiashi Hyuuga listened well to their old friend's words; remembering how he'd been grinning like his wife when he told them about the baby. Heck, Hiashi and Kizashi remembered him doing the can-can all throughout their class reunion.

"Many of you would understand the feeling; knowing a life that you had a part in will soon be with you." Minato continued. "A life that will depend on you, look up to you, model itself around you…A life that, even before it begins, you know you would happily die to protect."

"My life on October 10th, 17 years ago this hour was perfect; a beautiful wife, soon-to-be bon son, leader of my village and a bright future….As I sealed away Kurama, I thought that, when I passed, my son would receive the same treatment I had, so as my final wish and order as a Kage, I entrusted every single person in the village to guide, nurture and respect him for what he did before he could even speak or walk."

Kushina then walked to join her husband, her hand over his. As she cleared his tears, a shadow clone of their son (the real one with his friends), came up and hugged him.

"Dad…." Naruto whispered. "This can wait…"

Minato silenced his son with a raise of his hand and sighed.

"But it seems I had too much faith in you people. Instead…." Minato growled, his chakra flaring. "From within his mind, we saw our child fall down with almost no one bothering to pick him up, starving him, and forcing him to live in dumps unsuitable for rats. We felt his 11 year long stretch of loneliness and anguish. We wished beyond all else to comfort him, even if only slightly…But Shingami wouldn't let us. Any half decent parent can understand the feeling."

"Now look at him." Kushina smiled as she looked at her son, pride at him obvious in her tone and eyes, as was hatred to those she spoke to. "He's secured more alliances than any other shinobi, had a bridge named after him when he was 12 and saved this village from one of the most powerful shinobi to grace the planet. Only then he did that did you give him the respect he deserves…."

"Don't forget de-facing Hokage Monument in broad daylight while wearing an orange jump-suit before he graduated." Minato added. "Seriously, why does no one ever remember that?"

**[AN: Fanfics don't count and you know it]**

"And how come I never thought of it?" Kushina asked aloud.

Kizashi, seeing his wife wasn't looking, smirked in the crowd, proud of the boy for doing it.

"Nevertheless, despite our anger at YOU PEOPLE, we are even more proud of how mature our son has handled the situation." Minato smiled as he wrapped an arm around Naruto. "He's even helped others in similar situations become better people and do you know how may time revenge entered his head? Once, after the murder of my dear teacher and his godfather…"

"Who I will be having a LONG talk with in the near future." Kushina butted in. No one questioned how; they knew Kushina would somehow do it.

"…And despite all this…he grew up to be an even greater man than we could've hoped for." Minato smiled as he Hirashined down to hug his real son before returning to join his wife, who smiled loviningly at him.

"However, while our son has rather maturely decided to forgive and forget; we, as parents, can and will not stand for this."

Everyone froze in fear. They knew what this meant…

"I'd run if I were in your shoes." Naruto whispered to the crowd.

Kushina had decapitated Hibachi with a twist of her chains before turning her attention to the elders in and smiling evilly.

"I never really liked you old croods much anyway." She laughed as she rammed a hand through Homura's neck and sliced Koharu in half. She didn't eat them however; knowing that unlike Orochimaru, their battle skills had waned into non-existence and they'd probably be too chewy for her tastes.

Minato, roaring like a man possessed, flung his kunai throughout the now dispersing crowd. Runnning did nothing but enrage him even more.

Soon, there was a mountain of half-eaten corpses in the village center

"Now, think about what you've done, you know?" Kushina smiled. "We'll pick this up in the morning. Come along, sochi. Ichiraku's awaits."

That was the way the village functioned for a week; Minato and Kushina would awaken and go on a day-long killing spree to avenge any misdeed done unto their son; from the most severe (being kicked out of the orphanage at age three and a half) and something that seemed incredibly minor (trying to get into his good graces after insulting him without truly meaning it).

Throughout all of this; two figures watched the scene with interest:

Black Zetsu with seething hatred towards the younger blonde…the brat had ruined mother's machinations to the point it would take at least another 600 years before he could try again. Naruto Uzumaki had to die.

The other figure, their presence undetectable even by Naruto's powers, smiled and thought.

"This is going to be fun…"

**Read and Review!**

**For anyone who comes close to guessing who the second figure is, a virtual cookie.**

**And now, for the very first time…**

**Mrotrax presents….**

**OMAKE: You're a Mean One, Mrs. Otsuki**

The mother of Chakra, the rabbit goddess. Kaguya Otsuki went by many names. For some reason, she found herself floating in a void.

Suddenly, a voice cried out:

**Onoki**: You're a mean one, Mrs. Otsuki.

"What in…"

**A:** You really are a heel.

"A what?"

**Gaara:** You're as cuddly as a cactus,

**Tsunade:** And as charming as an eel,Mrs. Otsuki.

**Might Guy**: You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

She suddenly sensed more presences, all holding scripts and dressed in formal attire.

**Army**: You're a monster, Mrs. Otsuki!

Hashirama and Madara, moving their hands like conductors, motioned the army (who were suprisingly good at sing) to raise their voices to the max.

**Army**: Your heart's an empty hole!

**Shino:** Your brain is full of spiders.

**Tenten**: You've got garlic in your soul, Mrs. Otsuki!

**Jiraiya: I** wouldn't touch you with a…Thirty-nine and a half foot pole!

For some reason, the Rabbit goddess found herself offended and slightly hurt by the pervert's comments.

**Kiba, leading the Inuzkua clan:** You're a foul one, Mrs. Otsuki.

**Hinata**: You're a nasty wasty skunk.

Ino then appeared out of nowhere and emptied a laundry basket onto Kaguya.

**Ino:** Your heart is full of unwashed socks.

**Lee:** Your soul is full of gunk,

**Army:** Mrs. Otsuki!

Kakashi suddenly appeared in his game-show clothes, with three other characters hidden in shadows.

**Kakashi**: The three best words that best describe you, are as follows, and I quote:

One by one, the lights shine on the hidden characters, revealing…

**Sarutobi**: Stink!

**Shikamaru**: Stank!

**Sakura:** Stunk!

Kaguya took the skies in an attempt to fly away from the crazy mortals, trying to drum out their 'whoas' and activate the Infinte Tsykomi, only to sense nine presences and feel the hot breath of nine giant mouths.

**The Biju**: You nauseate me, Mrs. Otsuki!

The Rabbit-Godess suddenly found herself yanked upside down

**Kurama/Shukaku**: With a nauseous super nos!

She was tehn pulled toward the two zombies, just finishing off Orochimaru and Kabuto.

**Kushina:** You're a crooked jerky jockey…

**Minato:** You drive a crooked horse…

**Army**: Mrs. Otsuki!

The Rabbit goddess suddenly found slammed between two massive slices of bagette with mushrooms and a mysterious vegetable.

**Hashirama**: You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich,

The fourth Hokage suddenly appeared over the sandwich and opened a bottle, releasing a molasses like liqud.

**Minato**: With arsenic sauce!

The two zombies then licked their lips as the mother of chakra tried in vain to escape. As she tried in vain to break free, the last sight she ever had was the entire army singing the final line at the top of their lungs:

**Army (lead by Naruto):** You're a mean one…MRS…OTSU….KI!"

No one heard her screaming in anger and insanity over the singing.

And with that, the Naruto series ended and this story begins.

XXXX

"Well." Tonrei Otsuki sighed. "Guess our movie is not happening. Pack it up guys!"

Sounds of discontent were heard throughout his supporters.

"But I was going to be the reason SasuSaku and ChoKar happen!" The strongest supporter whined, pulling out several sheets. "I even had my speech planned and everything!"

"I know, my friend." Tonrei sighed. "But the author of this story clearly doesn't care for the canon pairings/endings and without my ancestor, we have no need to get involved."

"Not necessarily…" The Kunochi said.

"Eh?"

"The author is planning to adapt several movies for his Team Dobe universe…including The Last. And he isn't against the canon ending per say…he does agree it was rushed though, and still has pairing favorites. Not quite enough to agree with banning though."

"But Team Dobe still in the first major arc of 8 arcs!" Tonrei sighed. "And with his college and work schedule, he can't update on a regular basis, never mind his Junchuriki Gundam and Loyalty to my Mother stories!"

"Well, maybe someone will help him."

**What you think? My first omake, feel free to redo/expand.**


	4. Secrets revealed

Zombie-in-laws

Chapter 3: Secrets finally revealed

2 weeks later…..

The village population had easily been halved. Men, woman, young, old….It didn't matter to Minato and Kushina. They eviscerated, impaled, barbequed and mutilated each and every person who had EVER done something cruel to their son.

Mizuki, who had been in prison for all these year and developed something of an in-prison empire on being the first person Naruto had beaten, had been found dead in his cell with no balls or head.

Both parents refused to re-take/take the Hokage title in the wake of Tsunade's coming retirement, citing that if the village disregarded their final wishes, it wasn't their problem.

Things weren't too bad though.

Minato and Kushina had caught up with the other parents, all of whom theu were friends with. Kushina and Sakura's mother Mebuki snuck off every night for 'motherly' meetings that Minato and Kizashi knew what were about, but kept a secret.

The two zombies were also now doting on their son; going fishing, pranking with and telling him stories about how they fell in love and the months Kushina was carrying him.

"…And that's the story of how your first kick forced the entire Aburame clan to make wearing sunglasses part of their attire." Kushina finished her story.

Naruto clapped his hands happily. The other Konoha 11 had joined the family on an outing and heard FAR more about the history of the village then Iruka's class ever taught them.

"One more! One more! One more!" Naruto childishly begged.

"Whatever dope." Sasuke huffed. "I've heard enough. I'm going back to training."

"How un-youthful Sasuke-san!" Lee cried. "To ignore the history stories of our greatest leaders and your own friend's parents!"

"And you were such a cute baby." Kushina said aloud. "Though, kinda girly."

"Well, that mught explain why he never showed interest in girls" Kiba mused.

"…How?"

"K-Kiba-kun, be nice!"

"Mikoto-chan and I both loved your father." Kushina explained.

The silence was deafening. Naruto and Sasuke promptly got up and left. They would not be seen for the rest of the day.

"How about the story of how your missing relatives stopped the planet from imploding?" Minato suggested, trying to rid the awkwardness.

"PLEASE!" The others begged.

Ninja bar

"Hardest you've got." Naruto snapped, emptying his frog wallet. "And keep it coming."

"Whatever he's having on the rocks." Sasuke asked

"Aren't you babies too young?" A jounin asked.

"Shut up man!" His friend said. "That's Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha you're dissing! They're freaking S-Class!"

The two went ignored as the two teens grabbed a bottle and found a table.

"Feel better?" Sasuke asked after they'd each chugged half the bottle.

"…nope."

"BARKEEP!"

12 minutes and 5 drinks later

"Why am I such a dick?" Sasuke asked.

"You asking or thinking?" Naruto, not nearly as drunk, asked.

"I don't even care anymore."

"Well, you thought you were the unfavorite, had a brother who was a god in everything he did…and your whole family was killed to prevent a war."

"Yeah, but you never had a family and everybody and their mom treated you like shit." Sasuke said. "If anything, you actually had the right to be an asshole."

"That is the single nicest thing you have ever said that me."

The sad part was…it was true. Aside from declarations of wanting to fight each other and making bets, of course.

"Can you imagine what it'd have been like if my mom and your…" Sasuke started.

"Let's drown that thought!" Naruto said.

"Good idea!"

They each downed a bottle of Wave Land sake.

"Tazuna and them are doing pretty good." Naruto remembered.

"Hey, Nar?" Sasuke suddenly said, drowning another drink. "I need to get something off my chest."

"Oooh!" Some of the patrons hooted.

"WE'RE NOT GAY!" The two young men shouted

_**[AN: I, Mrotrax, would like to take this moment to make it perfectly clear that in no way, shape or form am I against same-sex relationships….PROVIDED THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN THE MEDIA THE FANFIC IS BASED OFF OF! Now, back to the fic.]**_

"Oh." The barkeep said. "Carry on, then."

"Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze…" Sasuke announced. "I owe you, Sakura and everyone else an apology. But you especially. I was supposed to be your teammate and watch your back. I was supposed to help you grow and nurture your skils…And…I've treated you like a toilet. A toilet, for crying out loud!"

"Still better than most until two weeks ago…" Naruto whispered to side.

"And…damn it, I want to make it up to you. Because the BROTHERLY love I feel for you, and I'm not exaggerating, is a billion times greater…than the love for the village, that Itachi became a rouge ninja for. You can take that to the bank."

Naruto's eyes, and several patron's actually teared up.

"Okay…THAT, is the single nicest thing you've ever said!"

The two then hugged.

It would be another two hours before the two S-class teenagers settled their table and Naruto carried the rambling Sasuke home.

"Y-you know…I really like Hinata!" Sasuke suddenly said. "Strong, beautiful, motherly…You are one lucky son of a bitch for her to like you, ya know that?"

"I know, teme, I know." Natuto said. "You made it very clear you like woman who are nurturing and strong like…"

"MOMMY!" Sasuke suddenly. "WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO?"

"Shhh….It's okay buddy, just let it out…." Naruto hushed his best friend. He then saw a crowd gathered. "PISS OFF OR I'LL SICK MOM AND DAD ON YA!"

Not wanting to end up on the young man's parent's to kill list, the streets were soon empty. Eventually, Naruto got Sasuke into his old room; in the exact state he'd left it in.

"Just sleep it off, you lousy bastard." Naruto said as he got ready to leave.

"I love you, bro-ruto." Sasuke said in his sleep.

"….I love you too, bro-ske." Naruto smiled as he leapt off home.

_Once he sobers up, he'll make me promise to never mention this._ Naruto mused. _But, I got my bro back._

The next day, Sasuke was stirred from a knocking on his door and a splitting headache.

"Mourning Sasuke!" Sakura beamed before seeing his state; bloodshot eyes and bags with messy hair.

"We got drunk last night." He answered. "Well, I got drunk. I don't think the dobe can get drunk, lucky bastard."

"Sit down, I'll use a healing jutsu…" Sakura sighed.

Sasuke sat back down on the bed and let his pink haired teammate do her work. For a few minutes, not a word was said.

"I'm still not going out with you." Sasuke said.

"I'm no longer interested." Sakura admitted, amking Sasuke surprised, but then smiled. "But! I have to know something….If I mean nothing to you in the romantic sense, then why did you compliment my forehead?"

"What? I never complimented your forehead." Sasuke said. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"The day we met sensei;" Sakura said, trying to remind him. "During lunch, you came up to me, complimented my forehead and asked me about what I thought about Naruto. We almost kissed too, but then you ran off."

"Oh, you're talking about THAT…Always wondered what he got up to." Sasuke replied, a smirk on his face.

"What are you saying?"

"That was Naruto transformed into me." Sasuke bluntly said. "He snuck up behind me, used shadow clones to catch me off guard and tied me up before transforming into me."

….

The silence was deafening. The breeze could be heard.

"THAT WAS NARUTO?!"

All throughout the village, everyone heard those words and begged that Minato and Kushina didn't hear and use it as a reason to kill more people.

Back to the conversation…

"…Yes." Sasuke answered.

"How come you never said anything?"

"You never asked and at the time, wouldn't have believed."

Sakura would've retorted, but upon thinking back…

"…fair enough. Still, that's a lame-ass excuse! Surely a prodigy like yourself could've found some way to tell us!"

"Honestly, and I hate to admit this…" Sasuke said. "I kind of thought it was cute and funny."

"Still, to think there was a guy who liked me, and.."

"He still does." Sasuke said.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun…" Sakura said in a sweet voice. "One last thing…"

"Hm?"

Slipping on one of her gloves and summoning every ounce of chakra she could spare, Sakura kept her smile bright and beautiful…then threw a single, rage-induced punch at her now former beloved's…. 'man place.'

The sound of a song Sasuke had never heard before filled his ears at the same time as the impact and pain registered:

"_Ave Maria…."_

He was then sent flying throughout the village, through several walls and right past the Academy, stopping in the middle of the Uchiha Clan compound and landing smack in the middle of a wall.

"She punched me in the dick." Sasuke wheezed, his voice incredibly high. "Why? Why did she punch me in the dick?"

Meanwhile, Sakura let out a deep breath and shouted at the top of her lungs

"NARUTO UZUMAKI!"

On the other side of the village, Naruto's face turned white.

"Oh my god." Naruto whimpered. "She finally found out."

"Son, I'd run if I were you." Minato whispered, only to turn and see a cloud shaped outline of his son over the bowl of untouched ramen.

"MINE!" Kushina growled at her husband, who merely nodded in agreement before continuing his own meal.

Village Lake, 2 minutes later….

"…**.Why are you hiding in the lake with nothing but a breathing straw?"** Kurama mused, having woken up.

"She found out."

"**Who? Who found out" About what?"**

"Sakura. About…you know…"

"**You're going to be a lot more specific, kid."** Kurama snarked. "**There's a boat load of crap you've done she'd be mad at."**

"The time when I pretended to be Sasuke to find out why she didn't like me."

Silence. Complete and utter silence. Then, a quiet giggle. Finally, Kurama burst into laughter (think Master Roshi in Team4Star DBZ abridged, only deeper), rolling on the floor of his prison and smacking the ground with his tails.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Naruto screamed. "I've just destroyed our friendship all because of a stupid impulsive choice!"

"**And why should I care?"** Kurama reminded his partner. **"If anything, you've had this coming for a LOOONG time! Toying with a girl's affections…"**

Whether or not Kurama was influenced by this due to having had two female hosts prior to his current one was anybody's guess.

"Why did she even hate me?" Naruto asked himself.

"**You were loud, arrogant and never shut up about becoming Hokage and shouting 'believe it!'. Urrgh! I hated that saying! More than Shukaku's drunk rambling."**

"I'm aware of that."

The blonde ninja was dragged out of his mindscape talk when he heard the movement of water and felt the sunlight. Opening his eyes, he saw a sight that honestly he should've been used to:

A very, very, very, VERY angry Sakura Haruno.

He weakly waved.

"**I don't care how much of a beating I'm going to have to heal up…PINKY, BEAT HIM UP! BEAT HIM UP!"**

"Shut up, you're not helping! Besides, she can't even hear you!"

"**DOES IT LOOK LIKE A GIVE A FURRY FOX'S ASS?"**

"And now you have traumatized me for life."

"**You're welcome. NOW SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR BEATING!"**

Naruto brought himself out of the conversation and leapt an inch away, his hands held up defensively. Sakura crushed the breathing straw in her hand.

"Naruto…." She growled.

"Sakura….before you kill me, which you have every right to do, by the way….at least save the face?" Naruto begged. "For mom and dad?"

Sakura stormed over towards him.

_My one regret is that I never kissed a girl that mutually liked me! _He thought as he waited for the inevitable pummeling.

"Did you mean it?"

Naruto peaked over his shoulder.

"Wha?"

"Did. You. Mean. What. You said. About my….forehead."

Naruto took in a deep breath, let it out and answered.

"Yes. Yes I did. And I still do."

"The why didn't you ever just outright say…." Sakura started before realizing the answer to her own question. "Yeah, not going to sugar-coat it, I was…kind of a bitch."

"I would've put it nicer…" Naruto said. "And anyways, I never wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to be happy. The fact that Sasuke would've been humiliated was a bonus."

Sakura and Naruto just stood in silence for a while.

"**Where's the 'Ow'?"** Kurama asked. **"There's supposed to be a hilariously abusive, village cringing worthy 'ow'!"**

"You know you've had my first kiss if you stayed a while longer." Sakura mused.

"I drank expired milk that mourning." Naruto confessed.

Sakura burst out laughing.

"Well, our first one didn't really count; Tobi and the Genjutsu world, my anger at my folks and our mutual not getting promoted; Sasuke is either not looking or gay (Naruto laughed at that while also cringing), so…"

Naruto cringed for a second.

"So?"

"How about…" Sakura smiled cutely, making Naruto blush. "…We give this a try?"

Naruto froze and dropped his jaw.

"Does….."

"That's right." Sakura smiled. "You and I, are going out. Preferably tonight, since I don't have work and you don't have a mission. How about, 8pm? Nothing to extravagant; just dinne, a movie and walk and some shopping?"

"Uh…."

"Naruto, I recognize this is a big deal for you and all, but…" Sakura stared before seeing the slight smile on his face and giggling. She then got on her tiptoes and pecked him on the cheek before twirling around to leave. "You're cute when you're shocked."

Naruto was to awestruck to reply.

"See you tonight." Sakura waved. "Remember; 8:00, don't be late!"

Naruto was frozen in place for a while. Then, slowly but surely, he smiled.

"**Wait. Are you two…"**

"I GOT A DATE AT LAST! AND IT ONLY TOOK FIVE YEARS AND A VILLAIN'S STUPID MISTAKES!"

"**Oh lord, it's his mother all over again… If you need me, I'll lamenting where I went wrong in every single decision I ever made."**

From behind the bushes, Mebuki Haruno smiled and radioed Kushina.

"Execute order Orange blossoms."

**Next: Operation-"Make the date perfect or the village is zombie chow!"**

**Read and review, I'll try and update within a couple of days!**


	5. The Date and Kami

Zombie-in-laws

My longest chapter yet, I hope you enjoy! I'm trying to think of a Christmas themed omake for the next chapter, please offer suggestions in your reviews.

**Chapter 4: The Date and God gets involved**

Order Orange Blossoms, coined by Mebuki Haruno over Kushina's Uzumaki's Pink fox (due to Mebuki feeling such a name was even less original than the final one) was the accumulation of the two mothers and childhood friends' shared dream; their two children becoming a couple.

This brings us the underground meeting room (formerly ROOT HQ), which was filled with the clan heads and what few surviving civilians had any sway in village affairs in the wake of Minato and Kushina's rampages. Speaking of whom, the two undead ninja sat at the head of the table alongside Tsunade.

"It has taken years, a few clichés and two people coming back from the FEAKING dead," Kizashi Haruno, the new head of civilians and Sakura's father started, "But at long last, Order Orange Blossoms is a go. The purpose of this meeting is to educate all in this area what needs to be done."

"Under ideal circumstances, half of us wouldn't be here." Tsunade explained. "I myself have vouched for this plan ever since the failed Sasuke retrieval when my 2nd apprentice and hoped successor…"

"He's too young and implusive!" A civilian shouted, only to have a kunai buried into his skull.

"Did I say you maggots could talk about my son?" Kushina growled as chakra chains suddenly wrapped around their necks. They quickly shook no. "Good. Now shut up and raise your hands to speak."

"As I was saying," Tsunade continued. "I myself have vouched for this plan, not only because my close bond with the two involved, but the fact that my hoped apprentice and her best friend, mothers of the two, had the paperwork for this union drawn up long ago. Before anyone asks, had things not worked out between the two involved, the paperwork would've been burnt and they would've been able to be with whomever."

"Ironically, two of the most likely 'whomevers' are now seeing each other." Hiashi smiled weakly, remembering how Sasuke, after healing up from his 'Sakura-dick punch', had walked straight into the clan compound and asked Hinata out.

**(AN: More on that next chapter)**

"Unfortuantely for the village," Minato interrupted. "In the wake of our return and learning of how our son suffered, we no longer have confidence in the village giving Naruto the happiness he deserves/needs. And since Kushina and I keep finding even more reasons to burn the whole village…"

"Barring a few exceptions." Kushina added.

"…we have decided to make this the village's last attempt at redemption; tonight, our son and the love of his life are going on what we hope will be the first of many dates. If the village makes this night absolute perfect for them and nothing goes even the slightest bit wrong, we'll finally adopt our son's 'forgive and forget' mentality."

"Any questions?" Kizashi asked.

A civilian raised his hand asked:

"Do they…?"

"NO! They don't have to have sex!" Kushina roared, inwardly thinking_ 'nice as that would be_.' "The main thing is that they have a good time and enjoy each other! Sides, having sex right away is improper…."

"Oh no…" Tsume's skin turned white.

"Here she goes…." Ino's mom whimpered.

"Besides, Minato and I waited until we were 18 to have sex, never mind actually conceive Naruto." Kushina said, only for her skin to appear red with a blush, Minato following in suit.

"Best. Night. Ever." He smiled dumbly. "8 hours of non-stop Kushina, starting with dinner…"

_3 hours later…._

"…And that is how we conceived our son!" Minato smiled brightly.

"Please stop." Hiashi begged his old teammate. "To use the children's vernacular; 'it's freaky to see you smile like that,' Minato."

"And his current state of undead doesn't help matters either." Kizashi noted.

"Nice one!" Minato smiled as he and his old friend high fived…only for his arm to fall off. "Don't worry, it'll reattach in a sec…"

"I CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!" A councilmember shouted. A few others joined in.

"NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU CIVILIANS THINK!" Shibi Aburame shouted uncharacteristically. "I apologize. There's only so much craziness and corruption I can handle."

Kizashi, in a mix of horror of an Aburame breaking their stoic nature (likened to whenever Tsunade won gambling; a sign of dark things to come) and sudden desire for his wife after hearing how his best friend and his wife conceived the boy he hoped to one day call son, summarized for the assembled masses.

"In short; if the date between my pink princess and Minato's blonde Biju-boy doesn't work out, everyone they don't now will be on their dinner plate and we'll have to come up with an explanation to the daimyo as to how the 'Village hidden in the leaves' became the 'Village hidden in Corpses and populated by the only decent people in the land of fire'."

"Honey, did you say that all in one breath?" Mebuki asked.

"Yeah, why?" He said, looking intensely at her. "Is it turning you on?"

"Down boy." Mebuki said as she slapped him into the table. "Wait until Sakura is out with our future son-in-law."

"Yes, dear."

"You all know what to do." Minato and Kushina growled. "Make. This. A night to remember. Or else."

All the assembled whimpered and nodded.

"Meeting adjourned." Tsunade announced.

Never before had the council halls been emptied so quickly.

**Namikaze Mansion**

Naruto was having a bit of a fashion crisis, something he'd never imagined he'd ever have, but then again, this was Naruto, who never really thought in advance: He couldn't find anything 'date appropriate' in his already limited wardrobe and Sakura was expecting him in at least 15 minutes.

"How's it going, son?" Minato asked.

"Just letting you guys know, I may start screaming soon." He announced to his parents as he threw yet another orange jumpsuit into the already humongous pile behind him.

"Naruto, relax. Everything is fine. Just be yourself…."

"AAAAAH!" Naruto screamed, throwing some boxers onto his mother's face. "NOTHING WORKS!"

"Ahem." Minato huffed. "Sport?"

Naruto turned to his parents, finding Minato standing out with a very familiar jacket; a white short-sleeved coat with red flames on the bottom.

"**I remember that coat…" **Kurama gasped. "**Your dad was wearing it when I fought him that night."**

Looking at what he was already wearing; his usual black/orange attire, Naruto put on his father's coat. It fit him perfectly.

"Well, that eliminates the fashion crisis." He smirked.

"Keep that." Minato smiled. "Suits you."

"You look so handsome sweetie." Kushina smiled. "Now, go sweep Mebuki's little girl off her feet!"

"Yes mam!" Naruto beamed happily.

He then looked at the clock and saw he still had a good 10 minutes before he had to meet Sakura, but decided to get going. Naruto jumped onto the roofs of Konoha, not wanting to be seen by the public in his new clothes just yet.

Naruto then spotted the Yamakana flower shop and jumped down. He still had a good few minutes, so he walked in, when he was instantly spotted by Ino.

"Hey Naruto!" She called out happily. Naruto waved back shyly when he saw Ino was staring at him. He instantly knew why.

"Yes, it's my dad's." He asked shyly. "Hey Ino, I was thinking about buying some flowers…."

Ino snapped out of her trance and brought Naruto over to the roses section while she started to explain what each one meant. Naruto opted for some pinkish azelas.

"So, who're they for?" She asked slyly, making Naruto blush and scratch his head uncomfortably.

"Oh…um….Well, you see…Oh, will you just look at the time! I got to get going, see you around Ino!" Just as he was about to make a mad dash for Sakura's, Ino shouted;

"Say hi to Sakura for me!"

Naruto didn't hear her, having raced to the Haruno household.

"Naruto!" Kizashi smiled warmly. "Come in, Sakura'll be down soon. Love the jacket."

"Thanks Mr. Haruno." Naruto smiled weakly before suddenly mustering some courage. "I promise Sakura will enjoy herself tonight and that I will keep her happy, as well as keep my hands to myself."

Said courage vanished and he awaited the 'if you hurt my daughter' spell he imagined he'd get anyway, only to be confused when Kizashi smiled.

"Nicely done, but we already had faith in you." Mebuki suddenly appeared, smiling warmly. "All the times you saved her, looked out for her…don't take this the wrong way, but I trust my daughter with you more than anyone. And before you say anything, yes I know about the Uchiha clan, and had Sasuke been more like he was a kid, you might share that role. But not now."

"And kid?" Kizashi smiled. "It's Kizashi."

Naruto smiled.

"Understood, sir."

"Sakura!" Mebuki hollered. "Front and center! Your date's waiting!"

Naruto winced at the scream and made sure his ears where still working. _Now I know where Sakura gets her temper from._ He thought.

"You were just thinking about were Sakura gets her temper fro, weren't ya?" Kizashi whispered. "I know your pain, kiddo. Though you gotta admit, there is something strangely arousing about a woman's anger. You, me and your dad have similar tastes."

…..

"You forget you heard that."

"What?"

"Exactly."

Sakura came down muttering something under her breath. Naruto's jaw dropped. She was wearing a pink kimono and had a flower in her hair with her headband tied in a ponytail.

"**Hot dang kit!" **Kurama howled inside Naruto's mind.** "You know how to choose! I take back everything I ever said about you being stupid for waiting!"**

"You've said things?" Naruto asked as if he wasn't paying attention.

"**Well...not to your face exactly…." **The fox said embarrassed.

Naruto brought himself back to reality and saw Sakura was staring at him as well. She remembered how he dressed to save her in the Genjutsu world, but it still came to her as a shock when she saw Naruto's in his father's coat. After a playful nudge from Mebuki and Kizashi, Naruto then pulled out the flowers from behind his back.

"I had some time to kill." He smiled. "You look beautiful, Sakura. Though now I feel underdressed…"

"Thank you, Naruto." Sakura said blushing. "And what're you talking about; I never said anything about what to wear. Besides, you look good in your dad's coat."

Naruto laughed lightly, already knowing he'd be getting a lot of that.

Mebuki took the flowers and put them into some water before looking at the young couple, who were now getting ready to leave.

"Now, you two have fun." Kizashi smiled. "See you tomorrow, Sakura! Don't bring grandchildren home just yet!"

"DADDY!" Sakura screamed in embarrassment. Naruto chuckled slightly, wondering what Kushina would've said if the situation was reversed.

"Hey Sakura, can I try something?" He asked, hoping to at least allivate Sakura's irriatation.

"Sure I guess."

"Hold on for a second."

Naruto held out his hand for Sakura to grab, but he was prepared for if she didn't. When she did, he pulled out one of his father's kunai and funneled his chakra for the Flying Thunder god jutsu.

Sakura and Naruto appeared in front of Kaze's Katana, the newest restaurant in Konoha. Both of them where a little dizzy and staggered for a minute before regaining their footing.

"Note to self." Naruto said aloud. "Get used to this jutsu before I use it."

Sakura recovered faster than Naruto and smiled at the sight of him staggering. She giggled when he nearly tripped on his father's coat and fell flat on his face. Finally regaining his footing, Naruto offered his hand out to her and the two walked in.

Inside, the manager was being eaten by Minato and Kushina for having the audacity (and stupidity) to deny service to Naruto and anyone who associated with him.

"You brought this on yourself." Tsume growled, her nin-hound growling at what remained of the man. "Honestly, the most powerful and eligible bachelor tries to take a special someone to their establishment and they refuse him, knowing what'll happen?"

"Civilians in ninja villages tend to be borderline retarded for some reason." Choza Akimichi mused as he and his wife took over cooking for the traumatized staff.

"Only here, though." Inochi mused. "I mean, Mist and Stone village refuse civilians and the Fourth Kazekage/ Chiyo used insanely poor seals…maybe it's a curse or something?"

"As much as I enjoy this talk," Shikaku said as he used his shadows to hand the others utensils. "We'll be in a real drag if someone doesn't seat the couple of the hour."

"Leave it to me."

Genma transformed into a waiter and escorted the couple to their table. After being seated, the two talked about trivial things like training and what they did prior to the date.

"Oh, hi Doug." Naruto smiled, giving the hooded figure a wave.

"Hey kid. How you doing?" The reaper asked. "Dream date seems to be going great."

"Naruto, how the hell do you know the Shinigami?" Sakura whispered.

"I'm a street kid in a ninja village. I know everybody!" Naruto mused. "That and I nearly died so many times, I was introduced to ice cream through Purgatory. Apparently, every third time you die, you get a free dessert."

In the back, the other parents cringed at the waves of killing intent pouring from Minato and Kushina.

"Did we get all of them?" Kushina asked Tsume, who weakly nodded.

"'Sides, Doug here just became the Reaper. Something about mom killing the last one or something, I stopped paying attention to mom's acts of violence after she castrated and impaled the Academy Headmaster."

"I live in a ninja village. My parents named me Doug." The Reaper deadpanned to himself. "Who in their right mind names a ninja Doug? It's like naming mutated reptiles after painters."

"Doug while you're here…. I know this is a weird request but…is there any way for you to make mom and dad look less…"

"Dead?" Doug asked with a sigh. "Nope, only God can do that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to reap the soul of some banker who kept your real allowance away from you while Lord Third was running the village."

Sakura was just amazed at how much corruption was centred on her date when he'd been growing up, just because of what he held.

"Forgetting all about that," Naruto said loud enough to signal everyone else to resume what they'd been doing before Doug showed up. "Sakura, what would you recommend? Mom's been trying to get me to eat more roundly."

Sakura glanced at the menu as drinks arrived.

"How about the Chicken plate with a side of egg?" She mused. "You love an egg on your ramen and protein is a friend."

Naruto smiled.

They had a nice, quiet dinner, talking about their days; Sakura regaled on the horror of dealing with bedpan and shared Naruto's pain when the conversation got to his parents.

She knew they were wonderful people, but vengeful enough to make Madara and Sasuke look like wannabes. Naruto had lost track of the people they'd killed, and honestly, Sakura couldn't fault him for not trying to convert the ones they killed like he usually did.

"Last night I found nine corpses. They laughed when I said nine." Naruto sighed. "But enough about me, I gotta ask…how'd it feel kicking Teme in the dick?"

Sakura smiled.

"Honestly?" She smiled. "Therapeutic. And kind of fun. I think I see why you like fighting."

Across the village, Sasuke sneezed and felt a slight pain in a familiar area.

"Sasuke-kun?" Hinata asked her date.

"I don't know why, but I feel great rage towards those two." He said before returning to the single most delicious rice ball he'd ever tasted from the picnic basket Hinata had made, which he made no attempt to hide.

After dinner (which was generously lowered by the now digested manager), Naruto and Sakura had caught a movie starring Princess Koyuki from the Land of Spring. It had been an over the top fantasy action movie that the two ninja felt was pitiful compared to their own.

"Hey, you ever hear back from the people we meet on missions?" Naruto thought out loud as they walked through the nighttime market together, stopping at the stands. "Aside from Tazuna and Inari after Pain attacked, I mean?"

Sakura thought for a while.

"Lady Chiyo's brother occasionally writes, and Prince Hikaru sent me a few pictures of his parents getting back together…"

"WHAT? When'd that happen?" Naruto asked, sounding happy for his friend and genuinely down he was just hearing about this now.

"While you…were training with Jiraiya."

Naruto smiled lightly.

"You know, I still expect him to be following us and jotting notes in that notebook of his. And then you and I pound the living daylights out of him, like mom and dad."

"Well, considering how we are now, I bet we could."

The two laughed at the notion if beating the super pervert silly, making several stare at them before the threat of the zombified parents made them leave the two alone.

"I'm sorry…" Sakura sighed.

"Don't worry about it, Sakura." Naruto smiled weakly. "Pervy-sage would be happy about this. Sides, he actually said that if I ever got depressed everytime I heard his name he'd haunt me."

"Has he?" Sakura asked cutely. "Ino's mentioned a few Mind jutsu that keep ghosts out."

"Not yet, but I'll hold you to that offer."

Eventually buying some dessert in the form of chocolate bananas and a blue rose that Naruto put in her hair, Sakura had to admit, this was a wonderful date.

Soon enough, the evening came to an end and the two found themselves back at the Haruno door.

"So…" Naruto asked. "I'll see you later? Maybe we can do this again?"

Sakura smiled and pecked him on the forehead.

"On one condition; kiss my forehead. If it's still kissable."

Naruto smiled and did just that. The kiss said all that needed to be said, and Sakura brought Naruto's lips onto her own.

"Good night, Naruto…kun."

Her blonde teammate, now boyfriend, froze at her suffix as she smiled sweetly and closed the door.

"Thank you god!" Naruto smiled as he started tap-dancing home.

"You're welcome, kid."

Naruto paused midstride.

"One sec….."

Walking backwards, Naruto came across a woman he'd never seen before, yet felt very familiar.

"Um, Hello." Naruto said. "I do not know you, but I feel I should."

"Got that right." She smiled. "Here's a hint; I'm someone you've always wanted to meet, I'm everywhere and nowhere and if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't exist."

"…Grandma?" Naruto asked.

….

"That is both wrong and right on so many levels…." The woman mouthed. "I'm Kami. THE Kami."

….

"Kami's a chick?"

"Oh I get it!" Kami roared. "Just because everything came out of nothing, you all assume I'm a guy! Who brings brats into any world? Women! Got a problem with that?"

**(AN: I am so going to flamed/ go to hell for this….)**

"Mother of the universe, bitches! Where do you think it came from! Sexists, the lot if ya!" She calmed down slightly. "Then again, in other universes were we've met, you've been surprised and then often complimented on my beauty being beyond human understanding….B-but I'm getting off traffic."

"Why are you here?" Naruto asked, once it finally dawned on him that if the almighty creator was in front of him, something was….he didn't even know anymore.

"To give you your happy ending."

"….Wait, what?"

"You know how many chosen ones save the world without blowing a quarter of it up?"

"Um….28?"

"…well, you're not entirely wrong. You're not right either, but regardless! For saving your world, I, the divine creator, shall grant you all your wishes!" Kami declared loudly.

"And what if I say I don't want…" Naruto started.

"YOU AIN'T GOT A CHOICE IN DA MATTER, BOY!" Kami screamed, her voice suddenly changing into that a redneck drill Sargent.

"Did you just turn into…?"

"You have no proof." Kami cut him off. "Moving on….what's your first wish? Aside from getting me to leave; which I can promise you here and now will not happen until you have a little Rugrat running around."

Naruto, frozen in shock

"You know, this is a lot to take in. Tell you what?" Kami said. "I'm going to wonder around for a little bit, you think about it, and…know, what? Never mind, I already know what I'm going to do!"

Naruto blinked and Kami was gone. Catching his breath and shaking his head, he then reminded himself of what had happened; he and Sakura had had a great date! So great in fact, she wanted another!

A scroll with his name on it suddenly rolled in front of him. Naruto picked it up and read.

_Dear Blondie,_

_I have come to the decision that in order to ensure my goal is achieved, I shall be moving in with you and your parents. That's right; you are now bunking with Kami herself!_

_You're welcome._

_Please pick up some food on the way home; my appetite rivals yours and that Choji kids' combined. _

_Sincerely,_

_Your new roommate and surrogate big sister, _

_Kami_

Another scroll suddenly appeared attached to an arrow that was imbued into the wall, just narrowly missing his hair. After making sure he wasn't nicked, Naruto unraveled the scroll, only to freeze at the words he read.

_PS You are now a big brother; her name is Naruko. Have fun with that and don't screw up like Douchebag's brother did._

Another scroll suddenly appeared

_PPS I just brought the baby into existence, so you're folks didn't get down and dirty_

The unpleasant memory of his parents' Orochimaru/Kabuto feast….orgy thing suddenly filled Naruto's head, almost making him puke.

"**DON"T YOU DARE SWALLOW IT AGAIN!"** Kurama roared. His host didn't hear, now being filled with joy and exictment and the idea of being a big brother.

Yet another scroll suddenly appeared

_PPPS , last one: Your folks now look normal but still occasionally crave the flesh of your enemies. Ask Tsunade to send them on S-Rank or assassination missions only._

"My life just got a lot more complicated." Naruto sighed, almost wishing there was a war going on.

**Next: Living with Kami, Kurama free and Zetsu returns**


	6. A very special Chapters: A brother's lov

Zombie In-Laws

**Special: A very special holiday chapter**

_This extra chapter can be placed anywhere in the story after Chapter 6_

"Is that your wish?" Kami asked.

"Yep."

12 minutes earlier

Naruto smiled at his sleeping baby sister, a soft and loving smile on his face.

While Minato and Kushina decorated the mansion for their holiday party (which they were honestly surprised everyone was coming to), the 17 year old found himself unable to pry his eyes from the sleeping angel and help them; so he made an army of Shadow clones to do his chores.

Since coming home to this little girl after his first meeting with Kami, Naruto's entire worldview had shifted; while his relationship with Sakura and dream of Hokage were still incredibly important to him, Naruko meant just as much.

One look at her had made the blonde Jinchuriki swore he'd always be there for her; he'd have tea parties with her (if she liked that), he'd walk her home from the Academy every day and help her with her homework…And if any boy came within 5 feet of her to ask her out, he'd kick the ever living crap out of them.

Hinata, Sai and Sasuke had smiled when they heard him make that declaration.

Naruko then cringed in her sleep and began crying. Somehow, Naruto knew she must somehow be having a bad dream and he picked her up.

"Hey hey," He softly cooed. "It's okay, It's okay, Oni-chan's right here."

As he cradled his little sister, Narut failed to notice his parents

"Look at you." Naruto smiled. "Not even a year old and already the most important thing."

A song that Jiraiya had sung to him once then popped into his head, an somehow finding it fitting, he began to sing it to the best of his memory.

"_**I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow**_

_**And each road leads you where you want to go**_

_**And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose**_

_**I hope you choose the one that means the most to you**_

_**And if one door opens to another door closed**_

_**I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window**_

_**If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile**_

_**But more than anything, more than anything…**_

_**My wish, for you**_

_**Is that this life becomes all that you want it to**_

_**Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small**_

_**You never need to carry more than you can hold**_

_**And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to**_

_**I hope you know somebody loves you**_

_**And wants the same things too**_

_**Yeah, this is my wish"**_

Naruko stopped crying and reached happily for her big brother.

"Oni-cha!" She babbled, making Naruto nuzzle his nose with her own.

"_**I hope you never look back but you never forget**_

_**All the ones who love you**_

_**And the place you left**_

_**I hope you always forgive and you never regret**_

_**And you help somebody every chance you get**_

_**Oh, you find Kami's grace in every mistake**_

_**And always give more than you take**_

**But more than anything, yeah more than anything…"**

Naruto placed Naruko back down in her cradle and passed her a fluffy bunny.

"_**My wish, for you**_

_**Is that this life becomes all that you want it to**_

_**Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small**_

_**You never need to carry more than you can hold**_

_**And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to**_

_**I hope you know somebody loves you**_

_**And wants the same things too**_

_**Yeah, this is my wish"**_

Finishing the lullaby, Naruto pulled the blanket over the sleeping baby and kissed her on the cheek, returning to admiring her for a few more minutes. He then turned to the window, got on one knee and did something he hadn't done in years:

He prayed.

Kami appeared behind him, but the Chosen one didn't sense her, so busy thinking of his sister

"_**Well, I'm all grown up now,**_

_**And still need help now**_

_**I'm not a kid, but a guy still can dream…"**_

He gently peeked over his shoulder to check on his reason for praying. Then baby girl stirred briefly before returning to sleep, a gentle smile on her face.

"_**So here's my lifelong wish,**_

_**My only Christmas list**_

_**Not for myself, But for the world **_

_**And Naruko…"**_

"_**No more lives torn apart**_

_**That wars would never start**_

_**And time would heal all hearts**_

_**And everyone would have a friend**_

_**And right would always win**_

_**And love would never end….**_

_**This is my grown up Christmas list."**_

Present time

"Is that your only wish?" Kami said, bringing him out of his prayer. "This isn't a chance you'll ever get again, regardless of me staying until you got a baby of your own; you could wish for immortality, to be eternally loved, the strongest in the mutli-verse…will you really be okay with using a wish to make sure your sister grows up in a peaceful time?"

"You know how I grew up." Naruto calmly said. "Alone, hated…Naruko shouldn't…CAN'T live like that. Besides, with our Uzumaki bloodline, she'll kind of indirectly make sure any of my kids live in peace."

"You do realize that may screw up your destiny, right?" Kami reminded him, a firm look on her face. "No threats to battle will make your tenure of Hokage boring."

"I make my own destiny." Naruto reminded Kami. "If I thought correctly, that's why you chose to give me a happy ending; I prove that more than most. And if you need payment; take it off my life."

"You sure?" Kami asked.

The goddess kept her face firm…then smiled gently.

"That's the chosen one I know, love and tease."

She snapped her fingers.

"Every single person you and your family know and love now has the same vitality and lifespan as an unharmed Uzumaki."

She then floated upwards.

"Enjoy the party, Nary." She smiled. "I have plans with my own; Buddha and Vishnu are throwing a God Party and I'm going to crash it. See you tomorrow."

"How long have you guys been standing there?" He asked, some fear in his voice.

"Long enough you'll be a great father." Tsunade smiled.

Kushina and Minato then rushed to hug their son, Sakura then joining and giving him a peck on the cheek.

They then enjoyed the Christmas party.

**Read and Review, suggest events for future chapters,**

**Have a very merry Christmas and see you in the New Year!**


	7. Kami, Zetsu and Kurama departs!

Zombie-in-laws

**Chapter 5: Bunking with Kami, Kurama on Vacation and Zetsu returns**

**Happy New Year, thanks for your continued support. **

**If anyone wants to take over any of my stories, send me a PM and we'll chat. And spread the word**

**Read and Review.**

"So, you're renting out one of your rooms to god?" Kiba asked at Ichiraku's a week later.

"Pretty much." Naruto sighed. "Minus the rent. She just…moved in."

"That's neat." Choji mused.

"The creator herself, the force behind every single action in our lives, is eating me out of house and home while promising me a happy ending." Naruto groaned. "Neat is not the first word that comes to mind."

If he had been pressed for more details (which he would soon give, regardless) Naruto would've chosen any of the following as the word that best described living with Kami;

Hell, tedious, annoying and unbearable. It clearly showed on his face:

The blonde jinchuriki had dark bags under his eyes, which were so red many initially thought he was in Kurama mode. His normally spiky hair was dishevelled and seemed to have dulled in color and some could swear he had blonde stubble all over his chin and cheeks.

"You look like crap, loser." Sasuke said.

"I feel like crap, you bastard." Naruto sighed, drinking some of his tea. "Oh man that is good."

"You should really get some sleep, Naruto." Lee noted. "As powerful as you are, even you need to sleep."

"I'VE TRIED!" He shouted, hyperventilating. "BUT THAT DEMON IN GOD'S SKIN SNEAKS INTO MY ROOM AND STARES AT ME! IT'S CREEPY! Not to mention, mom and dad doing you know what and Naruko crying."

Sakura pulled him down and shushed him. She gave his hand a firm, yet comforting grip.

"Calm down, you're making a scene."

"Yes, Sakura." Naruto promised. "Sorry about the outburst guys."

"No slap? Or punch?" Sai asked. "I was under the impression that is how some relationships worked, and how ugly showed dickless her affection."

Ino cringed slightly, as did Sakura, who grinned toothly along with Naruto.

"Sai…" They said together. "Shut up before we kill you."

Having no doubts his teammates could do so, Sai wisely did as he was told. Ino lightly smacked him for his rudeness, whispering something in his ear that made him cringe and begging her to reconsider.

"So Naruto," Tenten smiled, trying to change the topic. "How's being a big brother treating you?"

"Yes, Naruto, please tell us." Hinata smiled. "Naruko-chan is such a cute little baby."

All signs of tiredness vanished from the Jinchuriki, a dopey smile and happy sigh escaping his lips. He put his head in his hands as he eyes suddenly sparkled to life at the thought of his baby sister.

**(AN: If you need a reference to how picture how Naruto will be acting for the next few paragraphs, think of Maes Hughes from FMA or Bols from Akame Ga kill)**

"Naruko is such a little angel…" He mused dreamily. "Her smile, her babbles, how cute she looks when she tries to nibble her toe…."

Over the past week, Naruto had actually come to fight his parents to spend time with his sister; he tried to give her baths, play with her whenever he could and even offered to change a diaper after a lesson from Sakura. He'd quickly come to regret that last one after seeing just how much milk a baby could turn into poop and stinky diapers.

But above all things else, Naruto took snapshots of his sister and showed them to everyone he met on the street, showcasing what he considered the single most precious little girl on the planet.

"You've shown us a thousand times already…" Sai started.

"LOOK AT MY SISTER OR I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARDS!" Naruto roared, making the whole restaurant cringe in fear of the Jinchuriki.

This time, he did actually have an adorable picture; Naruko was dressed in a white baby dress with the flames of their father's coat on the seams and sleeves as red as their mother's hair. She was in her bed, hugging a Gama teddy and reaching for whoever took the picture, her bright blue eyes shining brightly.

The girls all cooed at the picture.

"So, teme…" Naruto smiled impishly. "You and Hinata….what's the story there?"

Hinata smiled sweetly and kissed Sasuke on the cheek, making the last Uchiha turn as red as the tomatoes he stuffed in his mouth whenever he was alone.

"Sasuke-san is helping with Hanabi's training as part of his community service, and I've been healing him up." Hinata explained

The Uchiha glared at Sakura

"It hurts almost as much as when YOU punched me in the dick."

"Oh get over it." Sakura sighed. "You've been shocked, stabbed and thrown off cliffs, and I held back."

"Anyways," Hinata explained. "We got talking and Sasuke-san off handley remarked he liked me. We went on a date and well, thanks to Naruto-kun and Sakura-san, we found each other."

What the princess of the group failed to mention was that Hanabi had seen the couple's first kiss and, not unlike Kurama a week ago, had broken into hysterical laughter when she realized the irony of the whole situation.

Ino promptly revealed that, making the SauHina couple blush in embrassment.

"So that's why she suddenly has a personality…" Kiba mused, Shino nodding in agreement.

"Kiba-kun!" Hinata admonished her teammate

"What? It's true?" The Inzuka clan heir waved. "Aside from you, everyone in your clan all has the same personality; 'Saluations, I'm a hyugga, look at my eyes and worship me solely for existing!'"

"Hm." Shino noted. "Not unlike the Uchi…"

"Finish that sentence and I fry you." Sasuke growled.

Naruto and Sakura both giggled, before the blonde cringed.

"She's coming…" He whimpered.

"HEY THERE, BLONDY MY BOY!" Kami suddenly beamed into existence beside him, making him freeze in terror. "And friends. Plus Pinky."

"My name is…"

"Don't care! Until there's a rugrat crawling around, I shall now and forevermore address you as pinky." The Goddess cut off. "And don't bother introducing yourselves, I already know you all:"

"Douchebag." Sasuke grunted.

"Princess." Hinata bowed.

"Dog boy." Kiba asked 'really?'

"Bug Boy." Shino followed his teammate in suit.

"Choji." Kami beamed as she hugged hm. "I love you, ya big hunk of chubby adorableness. You know, I always thought you'd have been a better best friend of blondie over there. Hindsight, what you going to do?"

"I'm pretty sure 'adoreableness' is not a real word." Sakura whispered, just seeing her boyfriend's cutting notion at his neck and worried look.

"YOU DARE QUESTION GODESS?" Kami hollered loud enough to shake the room. "IT IS A THOUGHT OF MINE THAT LEAD TO YOUR INCEPTION, PINKIE, AND TIS A THOUGHT ALONE THAT'D BE NEEDED TO END YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE! DO. NOT. EVER. CORRECT ME….AGAIN!"

It was on that day, in that shaking restaurant, that even the most narrow minded and semi-idiotic villagers in Konoha came under the same thought; DO NOT PISS OF GOD.

Kami then smiled and went back to renaming the assembled teens.

"Shady the sloth." Shikamaru yawned, thinking was better than shadow boy.

"Fanservice." Ino shrugged, okay with that title.

"Douchebag model two." Sai just smiled.

"Karate kid." Lee accepted but inwardly thought 'would taijutsu kid not be more accurate?'

"Prodigal Prick." Kami pointed to Neji.

"I'll have you know I stopped being, as you describe me, a prick, two years ago."

"Yeah, after blondie kicked your ass for nearly killing you cousin." Kami said offhandly

"WHAT?" Sasuke announced, turning to Hinata, who tried to vain to calm him down, only for a Chidori to emanate from his arm.

"You have five seconds, Neji." The last Uchiha growled, nothing short of the loss of a limb in his tone. Neji screeched and burst into a run, his cousin's boyfriend chasing him down with his katana drawn. "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!"

"And finally, we come to Weapon girl." Tenten sighed, joining Shino and Kiba in thinking 'Am I really that underdeveloped?'

"Yes." Kami answered, reading her mind. "Yes you are. Aside from filler arcs/fanfic fuel and as a fourth female lead from this village, you had no actual role in the story. Things would've been proceeded just as fine if you weren't there."

**(AN: Not hating on Tenten here, I myself like her and honestly wish she'd had a bigger role in the story. But admit it, the above is true. No flames for this comment)**

"Fanfic-fuel?"

"Uh oh." Kami said, realizing what see had done. "I've said too much…"

"What's fanfic?" Naruto asked, turning to his girlfriend, who shrugged. She looked at Ino and Shikamaru, who followed in suit.

At this time, Neji and Sasuke had returned, with the Hyuuga prodigy blue and battered, but still able to stand.

"What'd we miss?"

"Sasuke-kun, have you ever heard of fan-fic?" Hinata asked. "From what Kami-sama mentions, it mght something Orochimaru might've delved in."

The Last Uchiha racked his brain, trying to recall anything that sounded like that.

"I got nothing."

Now knowing the teen's attentions were rapt and she wouldn't be hearing the end of any of this, Kami pulled out a laptop and pressed a button.

"Look."

**Ten minutes later**

"OH GOD, IT'S NOTHING BUT PORN AND WHAT IF STORIES!"

That day went down in history as the third darkest day in Konoha's history; the first being Kurama's attack 17 years prior, and the second being the Uchiha clan massacre six years after that.

For a good three minutes, none of the Konoha ninjas moved an inch. The things they'd just read shook them to their core. While a few would later revisit the site for 'alone time daydreams', they were all horrified of what they'd seen.

Had they all been that one dimensional? Arrogant? Obsessed with something? And who in the world would condone 12-13 years having sex with…anyone/anything? And the incest…oh lord, the incest….And why did people who use this site see and correct so many of the problems their world had in simple ways that honestly could've happened?

To say nothing of the realization that their entire lives were perceived as fictitious and others were coming up alternate ones for them.

"I have an idea." Naruto suddenly announced. "We never speak of this again. It never happened, and if any of us do bring it up, the others can kill them as quickly or brutally as they deem fit."

"Agreed." Was the mutual consensus.

They'd soon learn that would not be enough, but that's more a few more chapters.

By this time, food had come to the table and Kami had helped herself to a bowl of ramen. The others dug in, trying to avoid

"Well, what's the final verdict?" Teuichi asked, apprehensive and hoping Kami liked his and Ayame's work.

Kami stared at her now empty bowl, her eyes glistening.

"That…is the single most delicious food I've ever eaten."

"Well, I'm glad somebody…" Naruto started.

"ANOTHER!" Kami screamed, slamming the bowl onto the grill, shattering it…and the bar.

**3 hours later…**

"Broke…She's broke us all." Lee whimpered.

The entire Konoha 13 were agape in fear as Kami picked her teeth clean, a mountain of broken and dirty dishes beside her.

"Cheque please." The goddess groaned in joy, then seeing the look on her lunchmates' faces. "What? I'll pay. No need to worry."

Minus Naruto, all relaxed, unaware of the black shadow forming around him.

"**It's your fault…"** A raspy voice said. **"DIE NARUTO UZUMAKI!"**

A mass of shadow leapt towards the blonde, some of it becoming sharp with the intent of stabbing the object of its hate…only to be compressed into a floating ball.

"Oh, its Aloe guy!" Naruto shouted.

"I was wondering where you'd run off to, Zetsu." Kami smiled in an admonishing way. "Making ancestors battle, starting wars, forming a terrorist organization and plotting for world domination? Naughty shadow man, very naughty!"

"**Release me!"** Zetsu roared in rage, only to cease in his escape attempts when he saw and felt the wrath of the woman who'd imprisoned him.

"Everything that went wrong in this world ties back to you." Kami growled. "Zetsu, for your crimes against this world, I sentence you to a fate worse than hell itself!"

A portal then appeared beside Kami, and she threw the now screaming shadow-man and his orb into it.

"Enjoy Universe hopping!"

The portal then closed and Kami began to walk away from the scene after dropping four golden bars to cover her meal and the damage her shouts of 'ANOTHER!' had caused.

Black Zetsu landed facefirst on some grass, struggling to his feet.

"**Where am I?"**

Horses. Horses everywhere. With bright colors and big eyes and a baby dragon and music that played:

"_My little Pony, my little pony…."_

Zetsu reacted as anyone would in his situation:

"**AAAAAAAAAAAH!"**

**Naruto-verse**

"He'll bump between universes for all of time." Kami explained. "Time spent in each universe is randomized, and sinces he's a living shadow, he can't die."

"That is sadistic and cruel." Ino mentioned, before smiling. "Alright, Kami!"

"Um, Kami, what are you doing out?" Sakura asked, beating Tenten to the punch.

"Oh, Lucy and I talked this mourning, he was throwing a hissy fit, so I told him to stick it and call me when he calmed down. In fact, he gave me the idea for Zetsu's punishment."

"Lucy?"

"Oh yeah, you probably know him Lucifer, Satan, Yami or some other name."

**Hours earlier**

"Lucy! Bubby! Amigo! Nakama!" Kami beamed on the phone. "How's it shaking?"

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT AMIGO CRAP, KAMI!" A deep voice hollered. "DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOUR STUNTS HAVE CAUSED ON MY END?"

"How's it my fault that an otherwise brilliant villain got the stupid idea to kidnap Pinky?" Kami pointed out.

"You made him come to that idea!"

"Nope, the author did that."

"NO BREAKING THE FOUTH WALL!"

"Oh Lucy, don't get your tail in a knot." Kami smiled, only to realize what she'd said.

"I DON'T HAVE MY TAIL ANYMORE! KUSHINA TORE IT OFF ON HER WAY UP! HALF OF MY ARMIES ARE STILL RECOVERING FROM HER RAMPAGE, AND ON TOP OF THAT, MADARA'S RAMPAGING ALL ACROSS THE HELLS LOOKING FOR STRONG OPPONENTS!"

"Why not just put him with Sepieroth and a bunch of the other Big Bang levels?"

"Who do you think it took me this long to contact you?"

"Okay, I'll try to calm things down." Kami said. "Look Lucy, I can see your busy, how about I call you after Shishio kicks your butt?"

"…what?"

The other end was then cut as the devil faced another one of yhe 'troublesome' patrons of hell; a samurai wrapped in bandages wielding a fire sword.

**Present time**

"He'll be fine." Kami shook it off. "He lived through Dante and a few others, what's a fire sword wielding crippled samurai that can cancel moves got on him?"

The others had wisely decided not to comment, as they walked through the village.

"Hey Kurama, you okay in there?" He asked. "You've been pretty quiet for a while."

"…**They think I'm a vixen. They think I'm a vixen…."**

"You think that's bad?" Kami asked.

"**How'd you…?"**

"I'm God." Kami finished. "Anyways, just listen to this."

Naruto wasn't able to make out all the details of the song, but was able to make out the chorus:

"_WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?"_

Which was then followed by various rings, dings and shouts that Naruto knew for a fact foxes didn't say. In the real world, he entered Kurama chakra mode and shared the knowledge with his friends, who, like him, struggled not to laugh, still partially afraid of the wrath of the mighty nine-tailed fox.

For a good time frozen hour after the song was finished, Kurama didn't move. Then, a look on unbridled rage crossed his face and he let out a roar so loud, everyone in the village heard it.

"**I'm off!"** Kurama roared in rage, materializing a suitcase and a hat out of thin air. **"TRY NOT TO DIE TIL I GET BACK!"**

Before Naruto could remind the fox he was bound to his soul, said demon burst through the seal on his stomach, stormed through the village, across the planes and to the very edge of the planet, where he leapt into a planet sized plane that rush out of the galaxy to an unknown location.

"…How did I not die?" Naruto asked. "I mean, mom survived having Kurama being pulled out and all, but shouldn't I be in shock or something…?"

"I'm Kami, I can do anything with no explanation will be needed." Kami reminded him, already knowing she'd have to repeat herself many times of the course of this tenure.

**Aboard the plane**

"**So, what's your story?"** Kurama asked the kitling with two tails sitting next to him.

"Freedom fighter and tech wiz." Tails answered. "You?"

"**Kinda young, aren't you?"** Kurama asked, before answering. **"The most powerful of nine primordial creatures, stuck in a kid who restored my faith in humanity after being stuck in him for 17 years."**

"You're world seems kind of weird."

"**That's coming from a kid whose world runs on rings and emeralds and was conquered by a man with 'Egg' in his name."**

"Hey, Eggmans a mad scientist who turns animals into robots."

"**Oh great, an eco-villian."** Kurama mused. **"Well, the Big Bad of my world wanted to put everyone under a spell that made them sleep forever and live out their perfect lives in their heads."**

Two more average sized foxes then appeared and looked at Kurama at awe. When the mighty demon saw they too had nine tails, he was ecstaic.

"Vulpix." The small red fox with a bow on its head said.

"Nine!" The fox standing next to it, a majestic looking white coated fox followed in suit.

"**Kurama, how are you?"**

"Vulpix."

"Nine!"

"**Kurama, how are you?"**

"Vulpix."

"Nine!"

"**Kurama, how are you?"**

"Vulpix."

"Nine!"

"**KURAMA, HOW ARE YOU?" ** The mighty nine tails roared. **"AND DON'T JUST SAY YOUR NAMES AGAIN!"**

"That's all they can say." Todd noted, his mate Vixy sitting beside him. "I apologize in their stead."

"**And people still tolerate them?"** Kurama asked.

"Apparently." Tails shrugged.

"Their universe is in its 10th sequel or something." Another voice noted. "That, or they just keep adding more junk and hope no one notices that there is no way a universe could support that much life without outer forces."

Kurama turned to see a humanoid, yellow furred female fox with gloves that hand a ying-yang symbol on them. Her eyes were cold and harsh, but betrayed loyalty if it was earned. She was clearly a fighter…Kurama's type of vixen.

"The name's Renamon." She simply said.

A voice suddenly boomed.

"Good morning, and welcome to Kami Airways. Your only choice in going to the real world. This flight is scheduled to the residence of Ylvis, who wrote 'What does the fox say?'"

"ANYTHING BUT WHAT THAT SONG SAYS!" The entire plane shouted.

"Our non-smoking, no super powered flight time is one week and a time-skip with a layover in Writer's Block. In the meantime, please sit back and enjoy the entire first three seasons of Everybody loves Raymond….back when it was actually funny. We'll be coming through the aisle with snacks and drinks in a day."

The foxes all sighed.

"**I'm starting to miss the kid now…"** Kurama admitted.

Meanwhile, back in Konoha, Naruto had taken a quick break from dealing with fangirls. He was currently on his father's head on Hokage Mountain, overlooking the village he had now had very mixed feelings about.

"I'm kind of starting to miss Kurama now.

He still loved the village, but his parents' rampage had shown him just how corrupt it had become in the old man's stead, and how just as easy it could again if he wasn't careful. He'd been hurt and ignored….

Oh who cares? He asked himself. So some idiots made his life rough, it toughened him up and taught him the skill he treasured above all else; how to tell when someone didn't really mean what they said and could be turned around. If that was what made Kami decide to give him a happy ending, the Jinchuriki figured he was doing something right. Heck, by the way…that site…showed things, he was doing a better job than other chosen ones by forgiving and befriending his enemies.

Besides, his life wasn't too bad now. He now had the love of his life as a girlfriend, his best friend was back and best of all, his parents were back from the freaking dead and not leaving! Admittedly, the two of them eating flesh and Kami bunking with them was still kind of hard to digest, but hey, he'd manage.

"Naruto!"

He looked down and saw Sakura motioning him down, a bright smile on her face.

"Come on, we've got our first mission as Team 7 and your family's coming with us!" She called. "If we hurry, we can still catch that movie!"

The jinchuriki leapt down, scooped up his now giggling girlfriend into his arms and raced to the village gates.

**Next chapter: A timeskip later…**

**And now…AN OMAKE!**

**Yamato calls in**

When Yamato had last been seen, he'd been captured by Kabuto to strengthen the Zetsu army. Now that the war was over, he;d finally been able to escape and rushed towards the nearest base…only to find everyone had already gone home and he had no ride.

"Okay, just slow down Tenzin." Kakashi asked. "Wait what? Huh? What do you mean 'there's an army of Zetsu?'" He slammed his book down and punched the wall. "Fuck, fuck, fuck...Well where?! Who the hell is Kaguya Otuski'?!"

Tsunade took over.

"Okay, okay, Yamato, what are they doing. Standing perfectly still…? Are you shitting me? Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been running around for two months trying to find a mind-reader? Oh, you must look like crap."

Yamato snapped.

"YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT ME, YOU BLONDE BIMBO! YOU NEVER EVEN SENT A SEARCH PARTY!"

Everyone gasped.

"Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry! I thought the best ANBU during my sensei's time could protect/ entertain a jinchriki with the attention span of a nat! He wasn't even supposed to know about the war! Do you have any idea how much that screwed up everything? Me and the other kages got our asses kicked by THE Madara Uchiha because of your ineptitude!"

"On the bright side, it got Naruto and Sakura together." Kushina butted in, a bright smile clear in her tone.

"Not now, Kushina!" Tsunade roared. "Yamato. Just get your woody ass back here, we'll explain everything and compensate when you do."

She then ended the conversation.

"….I should've been a carpenter." Yamato sighed.

**Once again, read and review and suggest events to happen in the story.**


	8. A timeskip later

Zombie-in-laws Chapter 8

**Chapter 6: One time skip later…**

Two years have passed since the return of Minato and Kushina, Kami moved in and Kurama left for reasons of vengeance he has yet to return from.

Life in the Elemental Nations hasn't changed too much; there are always missions to do, food to eat and now that the Five Great Villages were united in the Shinobi Alliance; meetings and conventions to go to during the slow seasons.

And of course, relationships to grow and bloom.

Shikamaru and Temari had been the first to wed, with Gaara and Kankuro threatening the Nara before their sister reminded them she was the greatest wind user alive (possibly seconded to Naruto) and had kicked her 'hubby's' ass many times before.

Ino and Sai had become the replacements for Asuma and Kurenai, denying any relationship when even Naruto could tell that Sai's smile was a little more genuine whenever Ino was brought up. Sakura had achieved a small amount for all of her best friend's teasing by returning the favor, tormenting Ino for details on her and Sai's love life. Naruto did probe Sai occasionally, but respected the young man's growing sensitivity and reluctance to brag.

The most shocking had been Choji and Karui of Hidden Cloud falling in love during a co-village mission. They never gave details, but the look of pure, dopey happiness on Choji's face whenever he heard her name spoke volume.

Life was good…for most anyways.

Deep in Konoha Prison's S-Rank block, Obito Uchiha, chained to a wall and STILL not fully recovered from his beatings at the hands of the boy, sullied and lamented his life….

_1 week after the end of last chapter…._

_Kakashi had simply been…he couldn't…Not Obito, anyone but Obito! _

_The Copy-Nin had surmised that 'Tobi/Madara' was no doubt an Uchiha, but he'd refused to believe he was indeed THE Madara Uchiha; even horribly crippled, he would've been far too powerful for anyone to simply ignored, and until recently the body had been accounted for. While never confirmed, the eye that been exposed should've held Susanoo, without one of the most powerful jutsu known. The fact that Tobi had made no mention or attempt at this technique and that there were no known records (that he'd known) of Madara having the ability to phase through attacks proved Kakashi right on this point._

_In private, he'd suspected the true Akatsuki leader of being a bastard child or grandson of the Uchiha clan leader, or perhaps a test subject of Orochimaru's gone horribly rouge. The most outlandish idea he could've come up with was that some other Uchiha in ANBU had been in league with Itachi, or a rouge of some sort had escaped knowledge of the villages._

_To see the once cheerful and determined face he'd becomed accustomed to seeing for years now glare coldly at him and deem everything around him nothing, to the point of not caring whether he lived or died, hurt the Man of a Thousand Jutsu much more than any blow he'd been dealt on a mission._

"_You let Rin die." Obito ended the silence. "I don't blame you for that though, Iknow about Kiri's involvement/ Why do you think I chose Yagura instead of that weak willed Kazekage? Though, it doesn't matter which village did it."_

_Kakashi's one eye leaked tears of sadness and shame._

"_You're wondering what happened to 'those who break the rules are scum, but those abandon their comrades are worse than scum, right? I threw that away one I realized the truth of this world. Nothing matters."_

_Kakashi rose back to his feet and punched Obito as hard as he could. Nothing happened._

"_Was that supposed to hurt?" The rouge Uchiha smiled evilly._

"_Stop talking like that." Kakashi commanded weakly. "Who are you? Really? Because the Obito I know…"_

"_Died the second he saw his rival run a Lightning Blade into the one girl he truly loved." Obito finished. "Like I said, I know everything; I was there when it happened. I was the one who killed the ANBU chasing after you. As Rin's life ebbed away in my arms, I had only one goal; make a world in which she was alive again, no matter the cost. That was the Moon's Eye plan."_

"_I can only imagine, but love doesn't excuse what you…"_

"_And just what would you know about love? You hated your own father for trying to save his friends." Obito hissed, some actual emotion in his voice. "Let me ask you: Did it even occur to you to try and contact sensei to alter the seal? Of course it didn't. You're the one who let Rin get tortured on the grounds of accomplishing the mission first, and it's not like we were actually friends when I 'died', so what was to stop you from learning anything? I mean, you actually brought your team of freshly minted Gennin on an A-class mission and never bothered to check on the whole team: Not even the son of your own teacher, who idolized Inu of the ANBU for saving him."_

_Kakashi froze. Naruto remembered that?_

"_Of course he did. You saved his life in a world where everyone hated him. And to think people call you a genius who adopted my words. I may be a hypocrite," Obito finished. "But I've done more than you ever did. Not that it really matters."_

_At that moment, Minato buzzed in, having waited outside with Team 7 and Kushina._

"_Kakashi?" He asked. "Who is it?"_

"_Yeah, I want to kill this son of a bitch, ya know!"_

_The Copy Ninja, tears of shame barely bottled in, fled the room and hyperventilated for a full minute before turning to his teacher and his wife._

"_Sensei?" Naruto asked. "You okay?"_

"_Y-you…might want to take this one." Kakashi told the two senior ninja in the group as he walked out the room, his form depressed. _

_Team 7, baby Naruko asleep in Sakura's arms, had all been shocked to see their teacher in such a condition. Just who was the masked man._

_Minato and Kushina had drawn kunai, ready to inflict revenge on the man who'd ruined their son's life and threatened the girl they hoped to one day call their daughter, but those soon fell to the ground when they saw the man behind the mask._

"_Sensei, Kushina-dono." Obito had smirked. "It's been a long time. Seems like the White Zetsu were good for something after all, if you're still here."_

_Minato collapsed to his knees, unable to speak in shock. The smiling, happy go lucky on his team…the boy he honestly hoped would succed him….was his son's greatest enemy?_

"_Obi…?" Kushina managed to utter._

"_That's right." Obito explained. "It was me that night. I killed Biwako and all the protection you had. I unleashed the ninetails on the village. And it was me, who years later, slaughtered the bastards whose donated sperm brought me into this useless world. Not bad for the dead-last runt of the Uchiha clan, hih?"_

_Tears fell from Kushina's eyes, her happy memories of the Uchiha boy filling her head; having ramen with him, helping him with chakra balance when Minato was out sick. She even tried to help him with wooing Rin by telling him how she'd tried to impress Minato._

"_How does it feel sensei, to know that your child's life was hell because of your greatest failure? Further proof you were unworthy of being the great hero everyone made you out to be. But then, like everything else, Hokage is a worthless title."_

"_Shut up." _

_The trio turned to see Naruto glaring at Obito from the door._

"_Sakura, please take mom and dad home." He ordered. "Sasuke, you're welcome to stay if you want. He hurt you just as much as me."_

_Sasuke had simply spat on the ground._

"_He's all yours. Besides, Hinata and I have a date in twenty."_

_For a good half an hour, neither said anything._

"_Are you going to try and redeem me?" Obito inquired. "The one who made you an orphan?"_

"_You disgust me." Naruto said finally. "Out of all the guys I've fought; all: Orochimaru, the Akatsuki members, Akahoshi, Haido, Doto. Shinno…You are the only person I can actually say that sickens me."_

"_That's to be expected." Obito said._

"_You don't get it, do you?" Naruto hissed. "You still had people who loved you, who would've welcomed you…and you just spat on it."_

"_Are you saying that if Sakura had been killed, you would've just move on?" Obito asked, actually silencing the Jinchuriki for a few minutes. "Like Nagato told you; loss breeds hate. Maybe I should've just killed that girl."_

_Naruto glared at Obito._

"_What? Are you going to hit me again? I took your worst and survived."_

_Naruto punched the rogue in Sage mode, with all his anger. The mastermind actually gagged on some of his blood._

"_That was for disrespecting dad. And to answer your question; I would've grieved." Naruto confessed. "But I wouldn't drag others into it. I'd have come back, buried myself into my career, become Hokage and then worked to ensure nothing like that ever happened again."_

"_Just like the First Hokage." Obito mused, remembering Madara's memories. "Further proof of this world's meaninglessness: If Hashirama, the most powerful man after the Sage couldn't make this world a better place, why bother trying?"_

"_And you wanted to do just that too, didn't you?" Naruto finished._

_Obito's eyes widened. How did…?_

_Naruto smiled._

"_Why else did you wait so long to actually make a move?" Naruto asked. "You could've easily picked up any random S rouges, stolen me and the other Jinchuriki away, and no one would've been the wiser."_

_Obito cursed that logic, while Naruto reluctantly thanked Kami for showing him…that site (shudder), and showing him this apparent flaw in his universe._

"_You could've been ruling the world long ago." Naruto finished, patting Obito on the shoulder. "But you held onto the thought of remembering what really mattered to you, or somebody finding you and dragging you back, where you'd come to your senses and pursue your dream again."_

_The fantasy that had occasionally entered Obito's mind over years came back to him; he was scarred and wore hs headband like Kakashi, but wore the Hokage robes and lead his classmates to leading the village. Kakashi and Guy were his right hand men, and he was always late due to visiting Rin or helping the elderly._

_Then a new thought entered his mind; him teaching Naruto alongside Jiraiya and Kakashi, and then giving the boy he'd hunted in the real world the Kage hat with pride._

_Tears, for the first time in years, came from Obito's eyes._

"_The world is still meaningless." He repeated, sadly. "Why do you even try? Why forgive me?"_

_Naruto had simply given Obito a Nice guy pose, a truly bright smile on his face as he made a declaration._

"_Maybe not. Kakashi-sensei says I'm like you, and let me make the same promise I made to him after our first mission as Team 7; I never go back on my word, no matter what: If mom and dad are dragged back, if anything happens to Sakura or Sasuke, no matter what; I will become Hokage and bring peace to the world."_

_The blonde Jinchuriki then let out a breath and left the rouge alone in his thoughts, rushing to catch the movie date he and Sakura had hoped for._

**Present**

Obito sighed from his imprisonment. Reluctantly, he had to admit…Naruto had been right.

The kid really was the Child of Destiny.

Just then, he realized that his shackles were loosened and his chakra was coming back to him. He could easily teleport out if he wanted to.

…..

"It doesn't really matter." He smirked.

He then continued to hang, like he did every other day.

XXXX

Naruto and Sasuke sparred in front of a batch of Academy students, having been called in as guest speakers to show how far a newly minted genin could get in just a few years if they worked really hard. Well, Naruto had been called in, Sasuke was on the last leg of his community service, and figured it was better than chasing Tora, who he was pretty sure he'd accidently kill if he was sent after her.

"Class, observe the differing combat styles and how they complement and contrast each other." Iruka said. "Naruto's fast-paced and block heavy style against Sasuke's decisive and immediate. This is actually a hint of elemental natures; Lighting cuts and wind does too, but Wind has more physical force involved."

The two continued for several minutes before they threw themselves onto the ground and began to arm wrestle.

"Okay boys, that's enough." Iruka said, only to be ignored. "Seriously, knock it off. Naruto? Sasuke? Are you even listening?"

The two were glaring and smiling like madman at each other, trying to overpower the other.

"I SAID KNOCK IT OFF!" Iruka roared, making the two S-class teens stop.

"He still does that?" Naruto asked the students, who nodded. The two young men got to their feet and bowed at the students.

"Any questions?"

A female student rose her hand to Sasuke.

"Aren't you that guy who betrayed the village for that guy who killed the Third? And the guy who blew up the village? And started the fourth ninja war? And tried to kidnap the singer Killer Bee?"

"FORGET ABOUT IT AND I MEAN IT!" Sasuke roared, his Susanoo manifesting

"Chill, teme! Chill!" Naruto hollered, smacking his best friend across the head before turning and whispering to the kids. "Little tip if you ever work with him on a mission; don't bring those up. Any other questions? Yeah, you in the back?"

"Are you two enemies?"

The two looked at each other.

"No, we're best friends." Naruto explained, honestly surprised. "Why do you ask?"

"It's the insults, right?" Sasuke mused, making the student nod in agreement. "Well, in the dope's case, his childhood was so bad he thought insults were compliments, and I was always compared to my older brother."

"I still technically do consider them compliments." Naruto said. "When I'm annoying my enemies though."

"You're not Deadpool or Spiderman, don even bother!" Kami beamed right next to him, only to vanish before anyone else realized what happened.

'_One of these days…One of these days…'_ Naruto thought to himself. '_That…being is going to get it….POW! Right in the kisser!'_

"No I won't, but feel free to try!" Kami shouted in the distance for all to hear, gorging herself at the BBQ. "ANOTHER!"

"So what you're saying is that in order to reach S-class in five years, you need a tragic and traumatic backstory?" The student asked.

…..

"Let's pretend that question never happened." Naruto suggested. "Point is; nothing is handed to you; you gotta train yourself into the ground and it may seem like a cliché, but I assure you this is true; you can do anything if you just keep going at it, and no matter how hard it gets, never give up."

"Thanks again for having us." Sasuke said. "I wish you luck in your careers. Not that you'll need it, you're all already on bettr course than the dope."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Naruto asked.

"Okay, you two must be busy…"Iruka started, only to be ignored again.

"I mean, they won't have to stupidly learn a forbidden justu like you did." Sasuke answered.

"Yeah, well at least I have one more mission that anyone else in our class!"

"That doesn't count, you didn't even have a headband!"

"That ain't what Jiji said!"

"He probably said that to keep you from bragging, loudmouth."

A screech filled the air. A screech the young men were very familiar with, Sasuke a lot more.

The horror of the ninja worlds. More feared than a rampaging Biju or resurrected Madara, more unbreakable than the Third Raikage or Gaara's shield and more determined than Naruto could ever aspire to be:

FANGIRLS!

"….Shall we run for our lives?" Sasuke asked quietly.

"Yes." Naruto said. "Yes we shall."

They bowed to Iruka and thanked the class for having them. And with a scream, they burst into a run, the horde of fangirls chasing after them.

"On that note, students…" Iruka said, bringing the class to attention. "That shows that there are benefits to staying at a lower rank without a title."

XXXX

"YOU SEE WHY I AVOIDED ROMANCE?"

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A DICK ABOUT IT! JUST TELL THEM YOU'RE NOT INTER…"

"IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER!"

The two looked over their shoulders, and shouted in their most serious voices:

"WE HAVE GIRLFRIENDS ALREADY!"

This did nothing to detract the fangirls, who kept stampeding without a care. Just as they caught up enough to touch, the two S-class vanished in a shadow. The fangirls spilt up to cover more ground, but it would prove fruitless.

"Thanks Shikamaru, we owe you one!" Naruto beamed.

"Troublesome." The newly instated Nara head sighed. "I've been looking all over for you; Lord Hokage wants to see you."

XXXX

The sixth Hokage lounged on his desk and snuck a few pages of Icha Icha Paradise in while he waited on his two wayward apprentices. Then again, he hadn't really taught them all that much….

Kakashi knew that he was by no means the strongest in the village, but he was definitely experienced and respected throughout the Elemental nations, and that was why Tsunade had chosen him to become the true 6th Hokage. However, all knew she was reluctant to do so; it was clear that if the Hokage was chosen by popularity and strength (which in a way, it was), Naruto would be in the seat he had desired his whole life right now.

The blonde in question had been surprisingly okay with having to wait a longer; he and Sakura both wanted to work on their relationship and fully master their respective fields of diplomatic combat missions and medicine, respectively. Naruto also wanted to see more of how the village worked in wake of his parent's rampages, so that when he became Hokage, he could properly eliminate corruption and still work toward making the world a nice place.

Sasuke on the other hand…he had good goals and was definitely gifted with a more shinobi-mentality. Kakashi laughed at the joke some made that if the two had been born two generations earlier, they'd have been like the Senju brothers, Naruto being Hashirama and Sasuke Tobirama.

With that in mind, Kakashi was working on an idea with the other Kages; Sasuke would be the first ninja to be granted a rank equal to Hokage, but work in the shadows and do the dirty work Danzo had done during the Third's time. Unlike Danzo, Sasuke was clearly not as deadest of attaining the rank his teammate wanted; he only saw it as a stepping stone for his ambitions to honour Itachi, and if he didn't no sweat off his back.

Kakashi also knew that Sasuke wouldn't indulge in any of the at least semi-selfish acts Danzo had. To use a colorful term that fit his perverted mind but not his way of thinking; Hinata's relationship with his apprentice had given Sasuke a sembence of sense that didn't revolve around a negative thought.

Huh. Had Danzo even been with a woman? Or gotten laid at all?

Just then, the door swung open and they walked in, bringing the man of a Thousand Jutsu out of his thoughts.

"Hello boys, how was the Academy?"

"Pretty cool." Naruto smiled. "Iruka's doing great…hey, you going to make Headmaster like I suggested?"

"Yes, Naruto. I just sighed it."

"Seems the same to me." Sasuke admitted.

"Well, not all of us are super geniuses who never needed classrooms." Naruto grumbled. "What'd you need us for, sensei?"

"Just a little thought that may also help settle which of you takes over from me in two years." The cyclops eye-smiled. "And at the same time be a major money maker without dipping into the Damiyo's wallet."

"You want us to fight until one of us drops, don't you?" The two said together.

Kakashi gasped, the slouched and tehn started to cry.

"I really miss the days when you were cute little gennin who didn't have a clue how anything worked."

The two younger men just stared at their teacher awkwardly.

"I'm game." Naruto said.

"Whatever, okay." Sasuke grumbled, a smile on his face. "Anything else?"

Kakashi sighed, picked himself up and then handed them two fat envelopes.

"Payment for your last mission."

He then sniffed the air. Something strong was in the air. Not too strong though, and anybody could've sensed it, but it wasn't something he could immediately place….Wait a second.

He smiled impishly.

"Well, well… Since when do my cute little gennin wear cologne?"

"Oh dear Kami, where are you going with this?" Sasuke groaned, Naruto's face matching his, the blonde looked over his shoulder and let out a breath that Kami hadn't actually shown up.

"Trying impress a certain princess with your sword skills, Sasuke? Tickle the prettiest flower out of the garden and keep it for yourself, Naruto?"

"I know I'm going to regret it, but…" Naruto sighed. "What do you imagine I want to tickle?"

Kakashi whispered;

"The cliter…"

"AND WE'RE DONE!" The Jinchuriki roared at the top of his lungs, swiping his mission pay out of his former teacher's hands and dragging Sasuke out the door with him.

"Wait! Don't leave! I need details! I live vicariously through you! YOUR SEX LIVES ARE MY SEX LIFE!"

"Kakashi…" Sasuke growled as he pried himself from Naruto's grip. "Just….no."

"Sensei," Naruto sighed. "As your student and probable successor (he ignored Sasuke's laugh), I'm begging you…GET OUT THERE AND MEET SOMEONE! For crying out loud, the fact you're a Kage alone is a chick magnet!"

The two S-class young men then left to find something else to do for the day.

"Okay, they're gone!" He said.

Kakashi's assistant appeared from under the desk, and dragged him back to the ground.

"Finally! Now, where were we…?"

To this day, she's the only person who ever saw Kakashi without his mask on…Minus Kami of course.

XXXX

Meanwhile, the kunochi of the Rookie 9 had met up for coffee with Kushina and were enjoying their drinks while the mother watched her toddler daughter play on the playground.

"Mama!" Naruko beamed as she and Mirai Sarutobi played in the sandbox, making castles and playing with toys. "Sand!"

"I see sweetheart!" Kushina beamed, taking a picture of her daughter and sending it to Naruto with the tag 'Naruko made her first friend!'

Kurenai smiled happily at her daughter playing with Naruko

"Sensei, will you join us?" Hinata asked. "I'm treating."

Not one to turn down a free drink while she could watch her daughter, Kurenai sat down and ordered a green tea.

"Jerks." Sakura grumbled. "Don't they know we're taken?"

"You get used to it." Kushina sighed.

"Well, well…" Ino smirked. "Looks like that forehead is filled with dirty thoughts, isn't it, Sakura?"

"Oh boy," Sakura sighed. "What are you on about now, pig?"

"You're thinking about how your boyfriend's going to want to keep those legs of yours all to himself, aren't you"

"INO!" Sakura hissed in embarrassment. "There are kids here! And for your information, Naruto isn't the possessive type!"

"Eeeeeehh…" Kushina thought out loud. "Not outwardly…."

Sakura turned to the older woman, who figited in her seat and awkwardly drank her tea.

"Was that outloud?"

"Oooh, this'll be good!" Ino beamed. "Give me the details!"

"Ino-san, we shouldn't pry…." Hinata started.

"Don't bother Hinata." Sakura sighed, "Once piggy gets started, she won't stop."

"OKAY, I'LL TALK, JUST STOP WITH THE STARING!" Kushina shouted, making everyone stare. "It's unnerving, ya know!"

Kushina then regailed about how a few days ago, Naruto had been walking Naruko when he overheard a couple of guys talking about Sakura…and not in the good way.

"He kindly reminded them your face was just as easy to look at as the rest of you, and then they may or may not have announced their intent to chase ya down next time he was out on a mission."

"Like they could even catch her." Ino smirked. "Forehead here's the strongest medic nin in the village."

"And then the one guy admitted he pleasured himself to your photo." Kushina hurriedly added. "Sochi sent Naruko home with Minato's seal and….well….If they didn't get the message, he'll have a couple more kills in his file."

Sakura's mood suddenly turned downwards.

"Sakura?" Hinata and Kushina asked.

"Oh, I knew this was coming." Ino sighed. "It's about the 'Naruto saved us' fanclub, isn't it?"

The pink haired woman nodded.

"I'm scared." She confessed. "I mean, look at the blonde goofus; he's kind hearted, he lives to help, strong, never gives up…He's helped so many people, and the girls? He could've had his own harem I bet you. I mean, Shion wants his baby…"

"WHAT?" Kushina roared, but calmed down and let Sakura finish.

"Shizuka's a wind user and has bigger boobs than me….And then there's Hotaru….and the princesses….I mean, look at me; even with all my training, I'm scrawny and flat! What's to stop him from going after someone el…"

"Sakura." Kushina ordered. "Look at me.

The girl kept staring at her drink

"Look at me, young lady." Kushina commanded, getting what she wanted. "What do you see?"

"…a beautiful woman who swept the Fourth Hokage off his feet."

"Yeah…" Kushina started. "And do you see a Tsundae chest?"

The assembled women blushed, not entirely sure where this conversation was going.

"N-no…" Sakura answered.

"Do you see an ass like Temari or Ino's?"

"No."

The Yamanka heir was unsure of how to feel about how she was brought into the conversation, but at a nod from Hinata and Kurenai, made no comment.

"Do you see the athletic arms of Tenten or that Cloud girl Chouji is dating?"

"No."

"And yet, what did you describe me as?"

"….A beautiful woman." Sakura repeated herself.

"Exactly, ya know."

Kushina then hugged the pink haired girl.

"Sweetie, you're beautiful just the way you are. Naruto adores you, you adore him. That's all that matters."

"It's true forehead." Ino smiled. "He doesn't look twice at me, Hinata or any other girls. Seriously, he doesn't even do that thing while guys check out my butt."

"Sakura-san, you and Naruto-kun have nothing to worry about" Hinata smiled.

Sakura smiled and thanked her friends when the cheerful silence was broken by:

"ONI-CHAN!"

Naruto beamed down and let Naruko rush into his arms. He spun her around in his arms and nuzzled her nose, waving hi to Mirai and then noticing his mother, girlfriend and several of his friends at the nearby café.

"Hey mom, I think this belongs to you." The young man smiled at his mother, who took his sister into her arms.

"Thanks sochi." Kushina smiled, giving her son a hug. "How'd it go with at the Academy?"

"Pretty good." Naruto smiled, his eyes on Sakura. "Oh you mean the school? Fine, and sensei wants me and Sasuke to fight for money."

Everyone who heard that promptly rushed to the gambling halls to place a bet.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Kurenai asked.

"Yep!" Naruto beamed, finally walking up to Sakura. "Hello, Cherry blossom, you're looking even more beautiful than you usually do….Did you get your hair done? No, wait, no, that ain't it….Give me a second…Wait, I got it! You've got your seal out! No wonder your glowing."

"Cheesy idiot." Sakura smiled sweetly, wrapping her arms around Naruto's neck.

"Oh save it forehead, you know you love it." Ino grinned.

Sakura and Naruto kissed, ignoring the catcall from Ino and 'yucky' from Naruko.

"Didn't we just say there are children here?" Kurenai joked, only for Kushina to go into a rant about how her son could kiss his girlfriend as much as he wanted just because of who he was.

"Going to make a baby anytime soon?" Kami asked, materializing out of nowhere.

"…And now the moment is ruined." Naruto sighed. "Thank you, Kami."

"You're welcome!"

**Read and review, stay tuned in for more of Kami's crazy plans. Man, I wrote this one day! Good for me!**

**Next: Purposal and Possible Moon Problems?**

**AND NOW….Deleted scene**

_The blonde Jinchuriki then let out a breath and left the rouge alone in his thoughts, rushing to catch the movie date he and Sakura had hoped for._

"_And Mr. Obito?" Naruto added before he left. "Something tells me Rin's happy you came home, no matter where she is or what you did."_

_Obito just went back to brooding, as did all Uchiha. _

_Suddenly, there was a breeze. He looked up to investigate and froze._

_There she was, smiling as kindly and warmly as he remembered._

"_Welcome back, Obi you baka." She smiled and kissed his forehead._


	9. Moon Problems

**Zombie-in-laws **

**Loving the love this story is getting! Hope you all enjoy.**

**Toneri: So wait… I'm actually getting involved with this story? I thought after that omake in chapter 3…**

**Mrotrax: I understand your confusion, and to be honest that was the plan initially. But upon conducting some research and educated guessing, along with reader suggestions, it came to my attention that you and the other two would've shown up in story regardless of whether or not Kaguya was around.**

**Toneri: Oh, okay. Pardon me, but where are my comrades?**

**Mrotrax: You don't have any**

**Toneri: What? Why? In the omake…**

**Mrotrax: The omake was written before the Last was released, and I assumed that in kin with the regular Naruto movies, which I stopped watching after 'Will of Fire', you'd have a goon squad supporting you. That, and I needed to make shipping jokes.**

**Toneri: So…just me and the puppets army again?**

**Mrotrax: Don't feel too bad, things are going to go different for you this time around. **

**Toneri: You mean I'll one up that dumb blonde?**

**Mrotrax: In a way…. (laugh manically in head and then make appointment with therapist)**

**Read and review, enjoy!**

**Chapter 9: Proposals and Moon Battles**

"You know, when I woke up this morning, I didn't imagine this mission would take us to the troublesome moon, we'd be caught in a lover's spat and some idiot alien noble would try and destroy our home world by crashing the damn moon into it."

"What did you expect, Shikamaru-san?" Sai asked as they fell through the air, his ink-bird having been destroyed in a hurricane.

"ANYTHING BUT WHAT I JUST SAID!" The shadow user shouted over the wind. "WHERE THEY HELL ARE THE OTHERS?"

"Battling for their lives." Sai reminded his captain, inwardly feeling slightly insulted that the villain they were engaged with didn't view them as threats.

_1 week ago…._

It had started out like normal in the Elemental Nations; Naruto and Sasuke were reading themselves for what many were calling the duel of the century; the Orange Hokage-to-be against the Last Uchiha. The Valley of the end was to be their battlefield, and the fight would be broadcast all across the elemental nations.

The gambling offices were still trying to look over all of the bets, which we more than enough to pay for an entire country. It also didn't hurt that Konoha would be hosting several dignitaries whose alliance was owed to Naruto, and the Diamyo himself would be there.

Then came the announcement that moon was heading for earth, and all teams from the other Elementals nations were either indisposed or had been killed by an unforeseen force.

So, Kakashi, now in his last few days of Kage-hood, had selected Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Hinata, Shikamaru and Sai (both of whom secretly lamented not having their girlfriends with them) to investigate and do WHATEVER it took to stop the moon.

"Wait a second, wait just a me darned second!"

Kami then appeared, placed her hands on Naruto and Sasuke and shocked them into uncousiousness, foaming at the mouth.

"I just gave you two the powers you were supposed to get fighting Zetsu's creator." Kami smirked, ignoring the steam coming from the two S-class young men. "Since Kurama's flight just landed and it'll take him a few days to get his business done, I figure'd you might need it, especially since you're going up against an alien."

"**You're god, can't you just time-travel teleport me back**?" Kurama asked in the real world as he and the other foxes marched to their destination.

"Yeah." Kami smirked.

"**Well…?"**

"I didn't say I would!" Kami beamed.

Meanwhile, in the ninja world, the others were processing Kami's alien statement. Realzing this, she brefily explained how Kaguya Outsuki, an alien princess, was the real villain of their universe, but because of Sakura's kidnapping and Madara's savviness in dealing with idiot heroes whose loved one are kidnapped, she was not going to be a problem, especially with Zetsu dimension hopping.

On that note she briefly checked in; he was now a Velcro puppet on Seasame Street, living with Bert and Ernie.

"Kami?" Kakashi inquired. "Are there….any other revelations we should be aware of?"

"Aside from the fact that in the canon universe both of these shmucks lost an arm in their showdown, named their kids after Salad/Burritos and weren't 'the always around' type of loving fathers?"

"Wait, what?" Sakura and Hinata asked.

**Canon Naruto universe**

"Hey….!" Boruto Uzumaki and Sarada Uchiha realized.

**Back to the story**

"….Nah, you should be cool for twenty years." Kami smiled. "And don't worry ladies, your boy toys should wake up in an hour. Bit of warning, they'll smell burnt toast for a while and may relive childhood traumas when they wake up. And remember, I just mentioned canon universe. Knowing how…you know what writers work, you'll probably be in wedded bliss and daddies over here will spoil their kids sweet."

The mission had been going alright; thanks to Kami, the group was informed of a portal to the moon, guarded by a crab monster they delat with easily.

It was when they met the mastermind that things got tricky…and in Sasuke's case, personal.

Toneri Outsuki was a descendant of the Sage's brother and like Neji/Sasuke had been, was adamant he knew enough about life/the world to decide his ancestor's plan failed and he had to destroy it…despite being blind and never having actually seen the world in its entirety.

He'd kidnapped Hinata when he mentioned he'd taken her sister Hanabi and was going to take her eyes, but would let her live in Hinata came with him and became his bride.

This brings us to the current situation; right outside the room where a mind-controlled Hinata and Toneri are about to be wedded….

XXXX

"You love Hinata, right Sasuke?" Sakura asked.

"Yes."

"You want to hold her?"

"Yes!"

"Protect her?"

"Yes!"

"PLEASE HER?"

"YES DAMNIT!"

"THEN YOU GOTTA, GOTTA, TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS!"

"WHAT IN THE TEN TAILS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WOMAN?"

"Sorry, we fell asleep watching Shrek last night." Naruto explained. "And don't ever talk to her like that again."

"You're right, my bad."

"The line, Sasuke!" Sakura pushed. "You have to wait for the line! The preist's going to say 'speak now or forever hold your peace' and then you say 'I object!' Trust me, girls love the romantic stuff!"

"….Uh, Cherry blossom?" Naruto said, looking through the keyhole. "I don't think this is that kind of wedding; sounds more like the 'be quiet, stand still, look pretty and then with the activation of a seal you're mine' kind."

With those words, Sasuke drew his sword, imbued it with Blaze style and kicked the door down.

"I OBJECT, YOUR HONOUR!"

Toneri had simply smirked and tried to send them away, only for Sasuke to beat him with an Almighty Push. The moon dweller had no time to attack, as his eyes suddenly burned with transforming chakra.

It took Sasuke and Sakura both to pull the orb out of Hinata, who wrapped her arms around her boyfriend before leading the others away.

The four came to the room where the Tensigan was held.

"The ultimate weapon is a collection of eyes turned into chakra?" Sakura. "…Kind of a letdown, not to mention morbid."

"I got it!" Naruto said, summoning a Rasengan and slamming it into the container, only to be shocked and sent crashing into a wall, dazed.

"Naruto!" Hinata and Sakura gasped, the latter rushing to her boyfriend.

"You okay?" She asked. "Say something, anything!"

"_But Pervy sage, the blue dress goes better with my eyes…."_

…

"We never heard that." Sasuke ordered as Sakura healed her boyfriend awake.

"I'm the only one who can destroy it." Hinata explained. "B-but…"

Sasuke placed his hand on hers.

"The Hyugga princess and the Last Uchiha." He told her. "It should be a good enough boost to damage it."

"No, we need to destroy it!" Hinata begged, remembering what the ghost of Toneri's father had shown her. "This weapon can wipe out a continent, a tailed beast even! And…you'll be hurt…again."

Sasuke then did something he'd never done before:

He poked Hinata on the forehead and smiled sweetly.

"Maybe next time, I'll stay out of it." He promised. "Besides, we're not exactly alone this time, are we?"

Naruto, Sage mode activated, and Sakura with her seal, had joined hands and were now waiting for the other couple to join them.

"Room for one more descendant of the sage, teme?" Naruto asked. "And the best medic in the world to heal our damage?"

Sasuke returned the smirk.

"That's a pretty tall order, think you can handle it, Sakura?"

The pink haired woman smirked like her two teammates.

"I'll manage. Besides, no one else can keep you two kicking better than me."

She then glanced over at Hinata and shyly smiled.

"Mind sharing saving the world nthis time?" She asked. "You get all the credit next time."

The Hyuuga princess cleared her eyes of tears, grabbed Sasuke's hand and joined hands with Sakura.

The four chakra merged, taking the form of the sage himself. And with a single four legged kick, they destroyed the weapon of the Outuski branch family.

When the dusted cleared, there were floating orbs…that turned out to be eyes.

"I'm going to have nightmares for a week now." Naruto sighed.

"Can you seal these up?" Sasuke asked Naruto. "Something tells me we'd better not leave these thing floating about."

Naruto opened up a scroll and did as his best friend suggested.

"Can we get going now?" Shikamaru asked, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

"Where've you been?" Sakura asked, pissed she and the others had done all the heavy work.

"Fighting puppets with Sai.

XXXX

Their return to Earth was thwarted by the sudden appearance of a golem that separated Naruto and Sakura from the others. As Shikamaru and Sai continued to run back to the portal, Hinata and Sasuke found themselves on the moons surface.

A green glow suddenly swooped up Hinata and created a cage, which she was thrown in. It was Toneri, now in a chakra cloak and with unblinking eyes.

"Hinata belongs with me, human rat." Toneri smiled insanely. "She'll come back to me when your dead."

"She doesn't belong to anyone." Sasuke growled in anger at his foe's attitude. "And she chooses who she goes with."

He simply cut the stones Toneri sent at him with his sword.

"Is that all you got?" He smirked. "This is the power of the great Tensigan? A chakra cloak, orbs and flight? The Dobe's got the similar kind of power you do, and compared to him, you're just a skilled beginner. And he can't even fly!"

"The world of the Sage if a failure." Toneri smirked, not caring what this human had to say. "I'll destroy it and you."

Sasuke simply huffed as a purple aura surrounded him. _The words of a desperate know-nothing_, he mused, remembering how Kabuto had tried to get in Itachi's good graces.

"W-what is that?" Toneri asked, a slight hint of fear consuming him.

"You want to destroy the world?" His foe asked as he began to float within whatever was forming. Two yellow/white eyes appeared and an unholy roar shook the moon. "Try it."

Sasuke growled, his fully developed Susanoo dwarfing the Outski member and blocking the view of earth.

It was then that Toneri realize how much he'd screwed up. But regardless, this was an eye user like him, he could win this. Besides, a lowly human could never touch him, never mind hit him.

Throughout all of this, Hinata prayed.

XXXX

"I REALLY WISH KURAMA WAS HERE, NOW!"

"ME TOO!"

Naruto, Sakura in his arms, was jumping onto debris in an attempt to evade the golem that Toneri had sicked on him and Sakura.

"How can something with no legs move so fast?" Sakura asked, turning to her boyfriend. "Maybe you should try what Kami gave you, whatever it is!"

"You think I know how it works?" Naruto said, throwing a Rasen-Shuriken at the golem, only to see his strongest attack smacked out of the way.

He suddenly stopped and bit his wrist open.

"Naruto, what the hell are you doing?" Sakura screamed in shock, almost reading her hands with healing chakra.

"I want to try something." Naruto said. "Maybe it'll help."

He placed the blood on his palms and then covered his eyes with it, bringing his palms into a praying stance.

Getting an idea of what Naruto might be doing, Sakura activated her reserve seal and bit her thumb.

"If this doesn't work…"

"It will." Sakura cut him off. "And I know. I love you too."

The golem threw a tower at the couple, almost reaching contact with them when…

**SUMMONING JUTSU!**

From the smoke emerged five toads; two on Naruto's shoulders, the other three below him and Katsuya herself, with Sakura atop her head.

"Naruto-boy, been a while." Fuksaku mused.

"Everything okay?" Shima asked. "Your chakra feels…."

"Kurama's out for a while." Naruto explained. "I can still do sage mode on my own, but against this guy…"

"We got ya." The two elders smiled, having not had a foe like the one in front of them in a while.

"Yo, bro, long time no see!"

Naruto looked and saw Gamakichi, Gamatatsu and Gamaken all prepped for battle.

"Sorry for not summoning you in a while guys." He scratched the back of his head. "And under crazy conditions like this…"

"You kidding?" Gamakichi asked. "This is just what I need! Pops was going on and on about how I need to surpass him, and lookie what we got here! I'm fighting a moon golem! Suck on them eggs, dad!"

From earth, Gamabunt smiled humphed, sensing his oldest son's stinger at him.

"Can we get snacks after this?" Gamatastu asked.

"If we get out of this, I'll buy you a whole candy store." Naruto promised, before turning to the last assembled toad. "You okay with this, Gamaken?"

"I may be ungraceful, but I flee from no foe."

"Lady Sakura." Katsuya noted. "How may I serve you?"

"Melt that piece of stone away."

"Understood."

The two lovers then joined hands and shared chakra, along with a kiss.

"Called it…." Gamakichi smirked.

"Take it down!" The summoners shouted.

They then rushed towards the roaring golem.

XXXX

Meanwhile, in Konoha, Kakashi had ordered the civilians into shelters and the remaining members of the Konoha 12 were deflecting the falling bits of the moon. But even with their best efforts, some still struck the village, and not all were out of harms' way just yet.

The daycare had been cut off my a sudden rockslide and even with some of the best rushing it would take a while to move the debris.

A ball of fire rushed towards the youngest Uzumaki, who cried out for her brother or parents and waited for the hit.

The debris never landed.

Naruko looked up to see a battered man with hair like her brother's but black as coal. Half of his face looked old, and his eyes didn't look the same.

Another bit of debris headed towards the area, but the man let out a spiral of some kind from his eye and threw a small tree at the debris, destroying it.

"Obito?" Minato asked as he picked up his daughter. Other parents followed and stood in shock of the sight before them; the worst criminal in their village's history, was protecting their children.

"I'll go back to jail once this dies down." The rouge promised. "I may be a rouge, but Rin loved this village. If I let it get destroyed, I'll never be able to face her."

He turned to his master and seeing Rin in the baby's place for a second, bowed before rushing off to the frontlines and activating his warp powers along with Kakashi, sucking in much debris into their shared pocket dimension.

"Kid." He stoically glared at the dwindling time, looking at the moon. "I'll watch the village, you just end this."

XXXX

Sasuke and Toneri were matched in terms of speed and skill; Sasuke admitted his foe used those orbs of his well; but they were also his only means of defense, aside from energy attacks.

Speaking of attacks, this guy's attack names made no sense to Sasuke; that first move he showed should've been Silver Sprial or Vortex, aside from being kind of round, there was nothing even remotely resembling a wheel.

…It was official, he'd been hanging around Naruto too much.

Susanoo had grabbed the Otsuki member several times, but he slipped away. However, it was clear he was in shock a 'mere human; was able to keep up with him, so this gave Sasuke enough to smirk at.

Toneri, tired of this game, merged his orbs together and made them stretch. Sasuke prepared to block.

"**GOLDEN WHEEL, REBIRTH EXPLOSION!"** The Otuski glared

_That's not a wheel, more like a heli…Oh shit, it just broke Susanoo's sword._

The last thing he heard before being pushed down was Hinata screaming his name in fear.

The moon was spilt in two with that last blow; even the golem and the other two fighters sensed what happened.

"It's finally over." Toneri grinned, happy to finally be rid of that…demon. Now all that would be left was Hinata and him, repopulating the world and making it full of perfect light. He turned to leave and take his prisoner to their room…

But he couldn't.

He must have used more chakra than he realized he thought. I he took a breath and tried again.

Nothing.

_Why can't move?_ _W-Why can't I…?_

He heard something.

_No._

A shadow appeared in front of him.

_No!_

It began to shape into a form he was familiar with.

_No, no, no, no, NO!_

Sasuke, stone faced and clearly pissed, had eyes now rippled and was completely unharmed from his attack.

_MOTHERFUCKER! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! I CALL SHINAIGANS! NO ONE CAN JUST DODGE AN ATTACK THAT CUTS A MOON IN TWO!_

"Welcome to the Tskuyomi, the ultimate illusion." Sasuke smirked. "Then again, you've been in it since we started fighting."

In the real world, Hinata had finally broken out of her cage and raced towards Sasuke, hugging him in relief.

The last Uchiha wrapped Toneri in a chakra barrier, draining him dry. In the Genjutsu, Toneri began to feel fear once the power of the Tensigan vanished.

"For someone who was blind until a day or two ago, this wouldn't work on them." Sasuke mused at his foe as he suddenly multipled and drew weapons of various kinds. "This is all in your mind, but I'M in control. And I'm nowhere near as good my brother, you'll be out in a few seconds…but in that time, I'm going to enjoy making you suffer."

A hundred Sasuke suddenly stabbed, shot, burned and gutted Toneri over and over again, almost laughing at his begging for mercy.

"Did Hiashi or Hanabi beg for mercy?" Sasuke asked. "Did you give it to them? No. And as much I hate the old man's lectures on being a proper man, I love that little girl you hurt."

Hearing her sister's name, Hinata's face turned cold as steel and she motioned Sasuke to release her kidnapper.

"I'll be taking my sister's eyes now." She growled, coating her fingers with chakra.

The scream was heard throughout the moon.

Before the now blind Toneri could try something, Sasuke cut him off.

"Don't bother summoning that Tensigan backup. We sealed it up. Our two pals, who you let get away, have them, and only Naruto can unlock the seal."

As the prince of the moon gritted in anger, he felt the one who'd stolen his bride lift his palm and place it directly on his forehead.

"Enjoy the truth. Almighty Push."

When Toneri awoke, he was in the chamber that Hinata had found earlier, with the graves of his clanmates. Everything suddenly made sense to him, and he vowed to never again approach the earth as punshiment for his actions.

XXXX

On the other side of the moon, the golem had been getting pushed to the edge; a combo-attack from the toad sage and Slug boss had actually melted some its outer skin, revealing a core that was familiar to the Jinchuriki.

"Wait a second…" Naruto had mused. "That's just like Pain's planet jutsu! Sakura! Guys! We need to aim our strongest attacks at that core; it's the only way to destroy the golem!"

"We kinda need to get those arms out of the way." Shima noted, glancing at worry at Gamaken, who was blocking one fist with fading strength. The other rammed itself into his stomach, sending him into a mountain.

"Forgive me, Naruto-san, my ungracefulness outdoes me again…" The giant toad cried.

"You did, Gamaken." Naruto ushered him. "Go and rest up."

"We'll take care of the rest, uncle." Gamakichi promised, drawing his blade.

"That jerk is going down." Gamatasu growled, an angry look on his face.

"Can you buy me a minute?" Sakura asked. "I want to try something."

Naruto nodded and along with the Toad brothers, grappled with the golem.

Sakura closed her eyes and began mediating, going over what she'd seen in her mind.

_Take from the area around you…appreciate the world and your summon….balance the chakra with your own….Don't let it slip…._

As the area around her eyes darkened and her seal appeared again, while filling up at the same time, Sakura ignored the sounds of Naruto and the Toad brothers being tossed around.

_I stopped being helpless after the village was destroyed. I'm the successor of Lady Tsundae…and in all areas (except body) I have surpassed her!_

_I am Sakura Haruno of team 7. Soon to be greatest Medical ninja in the world, lover to Naruto Uzumaki, kicker of ass and the most beautiful flower in the village hidden in the leaves!_

Sakura's seal now reached around and surrounded her eyes, which were now all green. An aura of blue-green chakra surrounded her for a second before two antenne appeared.

She had just unlocked the Slug Sage Mode.

Naruto's smile grew in pride of his girlfriend, who leapt forward and met one of the statue's punches with her own.

The golem roared in shock and surprise when its fist shattered, only to see Sakura's arm in a mangled mess. Its smirk was short-lived, as Sakura's arm suddenly regrew and it felt a burning sensation: more acid.

"SHAAANRO!" Sakura unleased a devasting uppercut that sent the golem heading to the Toad brothers, who leapt into the air and landed a series of kicks to it.

"THAT'S MY GIRL!" Naruto beamed, his chakra suddenly flaring, burning the toad elders slightly.

"Naruto-boy!" Shima hollered. "What's happening to ya?"

"You're glowing, m-boy!"

Naruto said nothing, having been pulled into his mindscape, where he was greeted by the other tailed beasts and a strange, horned, three eyed man.

The enraged golem, now fuming in rage, roared again and grabbed the moon floor, sending its foes flying.

'Katsuya!" Sakura ordered.

"Yes milady!"

The slug boss spilt into million clones, cushioning the others. The golem attempted to stop this, but Sakura leapt into the way and slowed the fist with all her strength, breaking the ground as she slowed it down.

He then let out a roar and threw the golem onto its back, taking one of its fingers with her.

"Uh, Sakura?" Gamakichi asked. "Why's bro floating and glowing?"

Sakura looked up and gasped at her now glowing boyfriend; had Kurama come back? No, the symbols were different….and since when did Naruto have a bo-staff.

He'd just unlocked the Six Path Sage mode.

"I'm flying?" He asked. "I'M FLYING!"

He let out a whoop, did a loopy loop through the air and stuck his tongue out at the golem, which roared loud enough to crumble the mountains behind its foe, who just yawned.

"That all you got big guy?" Naruto pouted as he blocked the punches with the staff, no real effort obvious on his part. "Come on! Naruko can do better than you, and she's not potty trained yet!"

The Golem swung its fist wildly, but Naruto dodged them all.

"I wonder…" Naruto noticed the orbs around him and brought them together with his staff, changing them into a spiral, like the Uzumaki clan crest.

He smirked and declared.

"**GOLDEN SPIRAL; FIREY WILL ECLIPSE!"**

The spiral spilt the golem in two, leaving its core just floating completely vulnerable. The spiral stopped right behind it, highlighting it.

"Now!" Fuksaku and Sakura shouted together. "Before it reforms!"

"**WIND STYLE: GREAT TOAD OIL BULLET!"** The Gama brothers, a clone of Naruto sharing chakra with them, fired the combo attack they'd used to battle the Three Tails.

"**PLANETARY RASEN-SHURIKEN, TAILED BEAST STYLE**!" Naruto summoned and threw eight different Rasen-Shuirkens, each with a different Tailed Beast power; magnet, blue fire, water, lava, steam, bubbles, wind and lightning

"**SAKURA ACID SLIME BLIZZARD JUTSU!"** Sakura and Katsuya, not one to be left behind, released acidic slime while Sakura threw special explosive tags onto the core, which exploded whith twice as much power as they usually did.

The attacks struck the core, evaporating it completely.

The moon had stopped moving. The world was safe.

XXXX

"That was, without a doubt…" Naruto started.

"The most epic mission we've ever been on?" Sakura finished.

"I agree." Sasuke said, carrying Hinata in his arms.

"This'll be a great story to tell the baby." Hinata smiled.

Everyone nodded, then realized what she'd said.

"Wait, what?" Sasuke asked, only for Hinata to whisper in his ear. He then smiled and let out a hurrah. "I'M GOING TO BE A PAPA!"

**To be continued in Chapter 10-The Score Settled**

**And Now….**

**Omake-Questions three of spiral Zetsu**

_-This omake takes place immediately after chapter 7_

Team 7, joined by Minato, Kushina and Naruko, rushed along the forest floor, their destination closer and closer.

"Should you really be bringing your baby on this?" Sasuke asked the two married veterans of the team. "I mean, I know dobe here will die before anything happens to her, but…"

The two glared at him, as if asking him to finish that sentence.

"Ma and Pa don't just anybody in the village just yet." Naruto explained to his friend.

Finally, they came to it; a deep pit that upon glancing downwards, they saw a seemingly never-ending horde of Zetsu, all perfectly still.

Well…except for one.

A certain spiral faced, one eye-holed one.

"Be prepared for anything." Minato and Kakashi said together, the assembled team readying for battle.

"Whoever wants to control the Zetsu we, must answer me these questions three." He announced, trying to intimidate the assembled.

Minato and Kushina stepped forward and put Naruko in her carrier, their hands close to kunai in case they had to fight this new foe.

"What…are your names?" Spiral Zetsu asked.

"Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki." Kushina announced, "And this little cutie pie is Naruko."

"What…is your mission?"

"What…is your favorite color?"

"Orange."

"Nice. Okay, you're free to go."

The couple and their baby looked at each other, smiled and thanked the plant man.

"Bye Mr. Swirl!" Naruko babbled.

"Bye bye, little girl!" Spiral Zetsu waved back happily. "Have a good day! Don't poop your diapey too much!"

…

The joy that parents and sibling felt at Naruko saying her first words was overshadowed by Spiral Zetsu's unhealthy interest in human bowel movements.

"Well, this seems relatively easy." Kakashi said, stepping forward and readying himself.

"What…is YOUR name?"

"Kakashi Hatake."

"Oh yeah, that guy Obito hates. Well, what…is your mission?"

"To contain the Zetsu army."

"What…is the capital of Istanbul?"

**(AN: Ankara/ Istanbul is the capital of turkey)**

"What?" Kakashi inquired.

"WRONG ANSWER!"

The Copy ninja would awaken in a bathhouse, his mask missing. He barely made it back to Konoha hiding his face in grass and leafs.

While a little shocked, Sasuke stepped forward.

"What…is your name?"

"Sasuke Uchiha."

"Any relation to Obito Uchiha?" Spiral Zetsu asked

"Clan, maybe a cousin thrice removed."

"Oh, goodie! How's he doing?"

"He's in jail." Sasuke explained. "See the girl with pink hair over there? He kidnapped her and my best pal, her blonde boy-toy over there, kicked his ass."

"Really? Oh well."

The plant man cleared its throat.

"What…is your mission?"

"The same as the last two."

"Come on say it," Zetsu begged. "It's no fun if you don't."

"I'm not saying it. Now last question."

"What…is your favorite color?"

Sasuke thought for a second; he loved the red of tomatoes, but Hinata's hair….and eyes….

"Laven…."

"SORRY, OUTTA TIME!"

The Last Uchiha would wake up with his head on his brother's grave. After a brief visit with Itachi, he mumbled his way back.

Now, it was Naruto and Sakura's turn.

"What…is YOUR name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze."

"Sakura Haruno."

"What…is your mission?" Spiral Zetsu asked, some interest in its tone.

"To deal with the Zetsu army so I can be one step closer of becoming Hokage."

"What….is the square root of 31464?"

Before Sakura could calculate the answer, she was stopped and shocked by:

"Which one?" Naruto asked. "The actual number, or rounded?"

Spiral Zetsu seemed confused.

"I…I don't know that…."

**(AN: The actual number, on calculator, is 177.38094598913, rounded its 177)**

He was promptly flung into the air by a hand that suddenly sprouted out, and thrown into the sky, never to be seen again.

"Naruto, how do you know so much about numbers?" Sakura asked her boyfriend.

"Well, when pulling pranks you need to calculate for the best outcome." He explained. "The only reason I sucked at the quizzes was because I kept trying to put it in a pranking situation so it'd make more sense."

Sakura sighed while also feeling some pride; her boyfriend was probably a mathematical genius if his prank history was any indicator. But, to burrow Shikamaru's catchphrase, he was actually putting a patent on it, Naruto's ways of learning were a drag to deal with.

**(AN; shout out the Bradw316's a Different Sensei)**

"Kids…." Minato hollered. "You might want to see this…"

They later found out that the Hashirama clone had been behind this whole ordel; having pretended to be unalive whenever Obito or Madara were around and then pranking with the other Zetsu.

The assembled team would never speak of this mission again.


	10. Proposals and Kami's Plan revealed

Zombie-in-laws

"Hello there dear readers. Yes, it's me Kami. To answer the questions that are undoubtedly on your mind as you begin this chapter, now the story isn't starting just yet. I just figured I'd save the author a bit of trouble and inform you all of a few changes in the story's layout plan.

"First and foremost, while it had been planned, the long awaited brawl between Blondie and Douchebag will not be seen in this fic; you shall have to use your imaginations r write your own version of how it happened, though Mrotrax will drop hints of how the fight progressed throughout the next few chapters. He sends apologizes, his thanks and a box of assorted virtual cookies.

"With that said, sit back and relax as this fic's TRUE craziness finally begins: Comedy, parodies, references, over the top violence and baby-making you'll actually get to read is a coming! Read, review, ad enjoy!"

**Chapter 10: Proposals and Kami's Plans unfold**

Three months had passed since Toneri's plans had been averted. The Narusaku and Sasuhina couples were heralded as heroes for their efforts, along with a reluctant Shikamaru, who wanted an average career, and Sai. Obito had returned to prison, but now in a much comfier cell and with a shaved sentence of 30 years instead of life.

Speaking of which, the scarred mastermind was currently reading a letter he'd received two days ago. It was a single phrase:

Thank you.

And under that word, was a crude yet crude dawing of the Uzumaki family as stick figures…along with himself standing next to little Naruko. Everyone had smiles and was holding hands.

Obito just smiled as he looked at the crude drawing, fall back into sleep.

A week after the moon mission, there had been the moment everyone had been waiting for; the duel between Naruto and Sasuke for the title of the 7th Hokage. It had been broadcast all over the elemental nations and every person Naruto had helped on his missions was there, cheering him on and sharing his stories.

And the battle didn't disappoint at all.

XXXX

Which brings us to the Uzumaki clan complex on a bright Saturday morning.

"Um…you okay there, teme?"

Naruto looked at his brother in all but blood struggling to walk and sit for some odd reason. Naruko was playing with her toys and watching Nincompoop Ninja reruns while Kushina made same tea for the two young men and Minato was finishing his paper.

"Naruto, I thought we talked about that…" The former 4th Hokage said without even glancing up from his paper. "Think about your sister."

"Sorry, dad, force of habit." He turned to the Last Uchiha. "What's up? You're practically waddling like…"

"Pengu!" Naruko babbled, laughing at Sasuke, who merely smirked at the little girl.

"I still can't feel anything…." Sasuke whimpered as he sat down on the couch, wincing as he did so. "Ow…."

"…Mood swings, huh?" Kushina mused as she placed tea down.

Minato shivered at the memories of his wife when she was in the mood-swing stages of pregnancy; beautiful as always….but terrifying.

"So, what's the story?" Naruto asked. "I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I honestly can't imagine Hinata being scary."

Sasuke cringed as he recalled the latest episode….

**Two days ago….**

"_WHERE THE $%# ARE MY CHOCOLATE COVERED TOMATOES?!"_

_The entire Hyuuga complex cringed and whimpered in fear of their heiress._

"_Coming, Hina-hime!" The last Uchiha shouted as he rushed the concoction to the mother of his child. He placed down a tray of tea and the snack she requested. "There, just how you like it."_

"_Thank you, Sasuke-kun." Hinata smiled, pecking his cheek and taking a bite of the snack. "THIS IS BITTER! I WANTED MILK CHOCOLATE, NOT DARK!"_

"_We're out, make due." Sasuke said, only realizing what he said when his beloved's eyes glowed as she activated her byakugan and readied her hands into a fist with was soon coated with chakra._

"_No, wait! Hinata, I'm sorry; No please hime, not that! ANYTHING BUT…!"_

"_SHOJYUKEN!"_

_Sasuke let out a hilarious scream as he was sent flying through the roof of the Hyuuga compound, over the clouds and right in front of the sun…clutching what made him a man_

"…_She punched me in dick…." Sasuke whimpered in a chipmunk like voice as he began to fall down. "…Why? Why would she punch me in the dick?"_

_He then made impact with the ground, creating a mushroom cloud of smoke._

**Present day**

Naruto and Kushina burst out laughing, falling to the floor and slamming their fists in exasperation. Naruko soon joined her mother and brother in the laughter.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Sasuke growled before taking a sip of tea and calming down. "Now, is there a particular reason you asked me to come over so early in the day?"

The Uzumakis stopped laughing, wiping the tears from their faces.

"Well, I'm about to make a major change in my life, and as my best friend/surrogate brother, I figured you should be the first to know."

"You're going to ask Sakura to marry you, aren't you?"

"Oh come on!" Kushina pouted. "We had a small metaphor filled speech prepared and everything. Sides, how'd you…?"

"It was either that, or having something to do with Naruko or ramen."

Upon looking back, family realized it was true.

"Now Sas, I know what you're thinking: Am I really ready for this huge change in my life?"

"Actually, I'm glad you're finally doing this." Sasuke smiled. "And I know I'm not the only one…"

"I know I have my whole life ahead of me and Sakura and I have only been dating for two full years, but then again there were all the missions we went on, both with and without you…"

Minato ad Naruko giggled at that.

"….I've made up my mind and I'm sticking to it."

"No surprise there."

"Why can't you be happy for me like a real best friend? I know you're about to become a dad, but be a pal and give me support!"

"I just said I supported you!" Sasuke said, then seeing the eyes of his best friend's family. "…You're all just trolling me, aren't you?"

The Uzumakis all smiled toothily.

"Just making sure you're paying attention." Naruto smirked. "Now, if you excuse me, I have a date to prep for. Sasuke, as your soon to be boss and Hokage, this is your first mission; you can't let anyone find out before I purpose."

"And if I refuse or fail?" Sasuke asked.

"I'll show everyone those yaoi 'you-know-whats' (shudder) involving us and a closet."

"YOU SAID WE WERE NEVER TO SPEAK OF THOSE AGAIN!" The Last Uchiha growled.

But by the time he'd finished, Naruto was already gone, having teleported to his room to find his 'date' attire and something very special he'd been carrying for a few months. Sasuke had then huffed, finished his tea and waddled back to the Hyuuga compound, hoping for the best.

Little did anyone know, though they suspected; Kami had overheard the whole thing.

"Oh, with those stakes he's got me silenced." Kami smiled, then turning to the reader. "Or does he?"

She then left the room and leapt into the sky, pulling out a gold and white cellphone with wings on it and pressing the numeral for 1.

"Gabriel, it's me."

"Milady?" a voice on the other end asked. "Milady, is that you? Oh, praise your name! We've been trying to contact you for heavenly days! Are you…"

"Not just yet."

She could hear whimpering on the other side.

"Remember we discussed about the chosen one?"

"…which one, milady?" Gabriel asked honestly. "We've helped many chosen ones."

"The one whose universe I'm in. He made his Big Bad give up his plan without even fighting him, then got some therapeutic revenge when the apparent baddie kidnapped his love-interest? The blonde demon host?"

"Ah yes, of course."

"Well, you know what to do."

"Milady, I feel the urge to remind you what we're doing will no doubt of dire consquences on the mutli-verse itself

"Gabe, I'm Kami. I do as I please and can fix everything with an afterthought. You know that"

"And what if Lucifer uses this to his advantage?"

"We'll deal with it as it comes. Now, hop to it."

A sigh escaped her right hand.

"Yes, mam. Quick question, though."

"Nobody from a Mon-verse, they won't last 10 seconds, and as for the princesses, maybe that redhead with the bow or the ice queen."

"Understood. And…"

"No religious figures. The author's already expecting to go to hell for his portrayal of yours truly and prides himself on being appreciative/ understanding of other religons. He will not offend any religious group if he can help it."

"We'll get started immediately."

"Immediately? Gabe, I want this done yesterday! Is that understood?"

"….Yes, milady."

XXXX

The couple had enjoyed a lovely candle-lit dinner at a new resteraunt and was sitting on a bench, taking a break

"So…?" Sakura smiled knowingly.

"…Yeah?" Naruto smiled back, nervously.

"Is there another reason you treated me to an expensive meal and listened to my work drama?"

The blonde smiled and scratched the back of his head.

"You know me too well."

"Spend five years on the same team together, it happens." She mused. "And…not to worry you but…I may have heard rumors involving the two of us."

Naruto cringed in fear. Had someone…? No, Sasuke wouldn't have….

Of course.

"Did she actually tell you?"

"Which she?" Sakura smiled. "We actually have more female friends then you realize. And no, Kami didn't tell me anything: It was Ino."

"…That doesn't make me feel any better." Naruto admitted. "What did she imply?"

Sakura, an all-knowing smile on her face, simply said.

"Why don't you do it first, then I'll tell you?"

Letting out a sigh, Naruto got up and stood in front of the love of his life.

"Sakura Haruno, I've loved you since I was 12 years old. These past two years have been the best of my life, and I don't want the feelings we've been sharing to go anytime soon. I know it may be a little early, and if you want to wait I'm okay with that. But…."

He got down on one knee and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small box that he let her gaze at.

"I'm….well…."

This was so much easier in his head all of a sudden, he mused. But he steeled his resolve and finally said:

"Sakura Haruno, will you do this loud-mouthed, hypocritical, overpowered human's bullseye…the honour of sharing life?"

Sakura, shock and tears in her eyes, covered her mouth with her hands when she saw the sakura-shaped diamond ring.

"Yes."

"…yes?"

"YES!"

The blonde let out a horay as he slipped the ringer onto her finger, only to be pulled into a passionate kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"And Ino-pig owes me…"

A finger was placed on her lips as Naruto smiled. She smiled back.

"I'll tell you later."

XXXX

"Kami…." Kakashi asked the next morning, the whole village standing beside him. "What…is this?"

He was referring to a massive building that had suddenly appeared in the village square; a large bent in square shape of brownish coloring and a side many mostly of windows.

"Wynn Las Vegas hotel and stadium, complete with gambling halls, 5 star dining, movie and stage theatre, and for blondie and pinkie…the honeymoon suite. Come on in and have a look."

She then pushed the doors open; revealing a lobby fit for emperors with a fountain and fancy chandeliers. Nice music filled the air and angels flew around prepping for the upcoming event.

"Kami, this good and all…." Naruto started.

"You think this is good?" Kami smiled, motioning Tsunade to follow her. "Remember what I said about the gambling halls?"

"That's all you had to say to get me interested." The former fifth Hokage smiled.

"Well then, feast your eyes!"

Betting tables, cards and machines as far as the eye could see.

The fifth Hokage's face had turned into a dopey, happy grin

"Lady Tsunade?" Sakura and Shizune asked.

"Granny?" Naruto and Kushina followed, Naruko babbling along with them.

Tsunade didn't say a word as tears of happiness from the beautiful scene that lay in front of her registered in her brain.

Kami then handed her a black card.

"No limit." She smiled. "Go wild and have fun. And don't worry; I fixed it so you'll win."

"Have fun? I'm never leaving!" Tsunade announced. "SHIZUNE! Prepare the bags!"

Her secretary merely sighed and followed.

"Pray for me."

The two women then wondered off.

"To answer your question," Kami explained. "I teleported this entire building, fully stokced with everything you'd ever need for one single purpose. Blondie and Pinky will be married here in this lap of luxury surrounded by all their friends and family, included the deceased ones, not referring to you Minato and Kushina. I've been planning this since the moment I arrived, so don't even bother trying to stop me."

Under normal circumstances, she may have been met with some reluctance

"Oh and by the way…" Kami smiled. "I invited almost every other chosen one in existence to the wedding."

…..

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

**To be continued….**

**Next: Dealings of Chosen Ones and the forces of evil**


	11. Guests, grapples and Zetsu makes a deal

Zombie in laws

Well, no we're REALLY getting into the crack part of this fic; I hope you enjoy it.

**Chapter 11: Guests Grapple, Zetsu makes a deal**

"Why would I do that?" Kami smiled as she motioned the assembled to follow her. "I think the better question should be 'why wouldn't I do that?'"

"NO IT'S NOT!"

The goddess simply laughed.

"I believe I have made it perfectly clear why I chose to give Blondie his happy ending, but allow me to repeat myself: He saved his universe without massive destruction or wonton deaths. Heck, the very idea of revenge didn't really even occur to him…ever! But above all things else, he actually helped the worst of the worst redeem themselves. That, my dear assembled, is what I consider the mark of a true hero. A trait which I find is lacking in the others as of late."

Her final line weighed on the assembled ninja's mind for a while.

"..So, basically you're making Naruto a pedestal/ standard for these other heroes to emulate?" Shikamaru asked in confirmation. "Sounds like a real drag."

"This universe's version of him, yes." Kami said. "I don't believe I have to explain what I mean by that, do I?"

All shudder and nodded vigorously, just as they came to the ballroom's door.

"Well come on, then." Kami smiled as she slammed the door open with a flick of her finger. "Meet the other greats."

The ballroom of the hotel was packed to the brim with the largest variety of individuals the ninjas had ever seen. Most were humans or at least humanoid, in peak conditioning. Some were in groups, some alone; some had pets, others had weapons Tenten started drooling at the prospect of examining.

"You know, I wasn't really sure what to expect with other chosen ones…" Naruto said aloud. "But I still didn't think they'd all be so…colorful."

Red, blue, green, black and all assorted colors filled the invidiuals; powerful men and beautiful women all turned to the sound of his voice, and his normal bravado vanished with that motion.

"Um….hi?" He waved weakly. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki, and you've all apparently been forcibly invited to a wedding by Kami or whatever you may call the superme power in the multi-verse."

**(AN: I will not be introducing every single invitee or character; it would take far too long and most of them are fairly well known, if not leave any questions in a review)**

"So let me try and get this straight…" The blue and red wearing man with a cape, called Superman, started.

"You're welcome to try." Kami mused, motioning him to continue

"You brought all of us from our universes, regardless of whatever we were doing, just so you could throw a wedding with us as the guests?"

"That is correct." Kami said. "And no need to worry; I froze time so that when this whole little vacation is over, you'll be right back where you were and act like nothing happened."

Suddenly a portal burst into the middle of the room.

"Oh right, speaking of time…"

From the portal came a blue box with a door and one single, clear word on the side: TARDRIS.

"No way…." Green Lantern gasped.

"It can't be." Iron man said. "JARVIS, tell me it can't be."

"I'm sorry sir, I can't do that."

The door opened, revealing an older gentleman with a presence that demanded respect, yet still had an air of easiness and fun-loving to it.

"Doc!" Kami beamed. "How you doing?"

"…May I have a word with you once this whole farce is over?" The gentlemen asked.

"Of course." Kami smiled as she pulled Naruto to the center of the room, away from the safety of his parents, sister and fiancé. "Just let me introduce the young man who made me put this all on."

"I DID NO SUCH THING!" Naruto hissed in defense. "SHE DOES WHATEVER SHE WANTS!"

"She?" Captain America asked. "I see a guy."

Kami quickly appeared behind Naruto's ear

"They'll see me as however they're comfortable, don't think about it too much.?

"What makes this kid so special?"

"Kid?" Naruto asked, a little insulted. "I'm 20!"

"Show of hands; how many people here are orphans?"

90% of the attendees rose their hands.

"Okay, good. We got that out of the way…" Kami cleared her throat and then asked, "Now, how many of you have fought gods?"

50% of the hands remained up, plus a few extras.

"And of you lot, how many KILLED gods?" Kami finished.

10 or so hands remained up. The ninjas took note of these individuals.

"Well, good for you guys and gals." Kami beamed, appearing right beside Naruto and wrapping an arm around him. "But this kid….this kid right here? He made a God ABANDON his plans, unknowingly halted another god's plan and DIDN'T blow up half his world to do so!"

All the attendees looked at the boy; a mix of awe and disbelief on their faces.

She then smirked.

"That why I like him more than of you. Especially you Bruce."

"Awww…" The green skin giant pouted.

"Not you! I meant Bat-Bruce! And before you say anything, Darksied does not count as a god." Kami said. "And Harry, you blew up a castle."

"In my defense, there was a war going on." The bespecled young man with a lightning bolt scar said.

"Any more stupid questions?"

XXXX

**Meanwhile in Hell/ Yami/ the underworld/ the afterlife….**

A very disgruntled and battle worn Lucifer observed the scene from his new throne room. Why new, one might ask? The main palace of hell was not HIS anymore; that damn Makoto Shishio had succeeded in dethroning him...temporarily.

But then again, he was the opposite of Kami, her equal force. He didn't need his position to do what he did best.

"So, Kami's throwing a multi-verse wedding?" He mused. "Hmmm; this gives me an ide-er…"

He then twirled his throne around and summoned a portal in front of him. He then reached in and pull out a mass of shadows.

"Having a bad millennium, Zetsu?"

The shadow man gasped for breath and looked around him.

Hell itself.

Thank mother!

"**It's only been a millennium?"** Zetsu whimpered.

"In dimension hopping yes." Lucifer smirked. "In your word's time; only two years have passed since my rival sent you to her fate. And speaking of your world…would you be interested in some good old fashioned revenge?"

Revenge. A concept that Zetsu was very familiar with, yet had never pursued. All that had ever mattered to him was ensuring Kaguya's will came to fruition. There had been no need for him to pursue it; the human wars fastened his mother's return and when she was resurrected, she wold eliminate all those petty, stupid thoughts.

But now…

Now….

Revenge practically demanded itself. Mother would want him to do this!

Zetsu could safely say he LOATHED Naruto Uzumaki with all of his being. The brat had dismantled his and mother's machinations to the point it would take another dozen milieu just to get to where he'd been at the Fourth Ninja War before that idiot Obito kidnapped the Haruno girl, which sparked the end.

For a second, he considered that he could've interfered in that…he could've easily faked his death against the Chojuro of the Mist kid and then killed both Obito and his hostage before forcing Madara to summon mother…But then Naruto's face and name entered the shadow being's mind and all semblance of clear thought died.

Zetsu's thoughts were not helped with the images Lucifer showed him; the brat had done mother's work, but wrong and stupidly! He was happy! People still thought!

Free thought. The bane of the universes. All the things he saw, all he'd endured…ponies, puppets, kids with costumes, knights, space wars….Thought was the cause of so many problems.

"**I'm going to need….someone to wear."** Zetsu demanded.

Lucifer smiled and snapped his fingers, revealing an assortment of rogues Naruto had defeated over the years; Doto, Haido, Shinno, Akahoshi, Shinga, Gensui, Aoi…all near dead but with their powers for the taking.

"Take your pick. Oh, and also….you'll have an army of your own."

Zetsu turned to see a colorful band of characters, including the likes of Thanos, the Joker, Ozai, Vattu, Darksied and slew of others.

"Listen well, all of you!" Lucifer roared. "Your enemies are now gathered in one spot. The conflict between light and dark, as much as we try to make it otherwise, is about balance. For all the good in the universes, there must be dark acts to even them out. And this time…Kami had given an opportunity. I doubt you want to waste it."

As the villains cheered, Lucifer turned to see Zetsu absorbing ALL of the candidates, regaining his humanoid form and sharp teeth. Already, he was planning on absoribing the other members of the army and betraying his benefactor. The shadow man was then grabbed…GRABBED?! No one could touch him, he was a living shadow!

"And don't even think of trying to betray me. Your mommy? The one you hail as a god? She. Is. Nothing compared to me and Kami. If she were the god you see her as, she would've seen her defeat coming and with a thought, erased it. If she were a god, she'd be able to act on her own without you. All in all, little shadow…this revenge opportunity is all you have." Lucifer reminded the living shadow as he held him in front of his terrifying visage. "Don't ever forget it."

All of a sudden, dimension hopping seemed to be okay….

"And do have fun with your revenge." Lucifer smiled. "That brat robbed me of some great souls."

XXX

"So wait…." Cap said. "You defaced your world's equivalent of Mount Rushmore…in broad daylight….wearing an orange jumpsuit….no one noticed until you were almost done…when you were 12…..and they considered you a failure?"

The blonde groom nodded, making many of the guests face vault to the floor in shock of the short-sightedness of his world.

"I often don't ask much but…may we?" Batman started.

"Of course." Kami smiled. With a wave of her hand, she opened a small portal that showed all those who'd abused Naruto growing up. The guests all huddled together around said portal.

"What're they…?" Naruto started, only to stop when he saw his parents were at the front of the huddle. "Oh…I get it now."

"What?" Kiba asked. "What're they…"

"Just give it a minute." Ino cut in.

"And a one, and a two and a three…" Deadpool counted down for the group, who took in a deep breath, held it and then shouted:

"YOU'RE ALL *#$%ING IDIOTS!"

"Language!" Steve added. "Though I agree."

"Are you trying to put that on a shirt, or something?" Iron man aksed.

The portal then closed, and the lost souls continued lamenting in their poor life choices to bully and belittle the hero of their universe.

One character, dressed in green armor with a horned helmet, walked up to groom.

"Allow me to introduce myself, Loki, God of mischief." He smiled. "I've been following your exploits on the side young boy and I must say….and I don't give this praise lightly, you truly are a genius."

Naruto blushed at the praise and shook the god's hand.

"Thanks, but…I think I've lost the touch myself."

"Good thing too!" Iruka said. "Naruto, you're my surrogate little brother and I love you and all, but I speak for everyone when I say we much more appreciate your skills as a ninja than a prankster."

"Oh hush you. One does not simply forget how to prank." Loki said. "If I may be so bold, would you consider becoming my aid de camp in causing mischief throughout the universe? There would be good benefits to it of course, I'm not about to lose such a fine prankster."

The people of Konoha cringed at the thought. Naruto had been enough of a pranking monster when he was an untrained boy; now that he had sage, elemental, demonic and boarderline godly powers…

"Wait a second." Naruto asked, trying to get a clear picture. "You're saying you'd pay me…you, the GOD of mischief…out of your own pocket….to pull massive pranks and mess with people."

"In a proverbial nutshell, yes."

Naruto then rushed out of the hotel, grabbed all his ninja belongings and returned, tossing them to the floor and pulling out his prank book.

"Mom, dad, I'm quitting the ninja business and returning to my true passion…pranking!"

"OVER MY DEAD BODY, YOU ARE!" Kushina roared, shaking the hotel. "You've wanted this job since you were a kid and you're finally getting it, got it?"

"Y-yes mommy." The blonde ninja whimpered.

"Good boy." Kushina smiled, patting her son on the head.

"Oh, I think I like her." Wonder Woman, Astrid, Black Widow all smiled.

"…Why does that fill me with dread?" Hiccup mused aloud, Toothless cooing in agreement.

"Ah blonde, I see you've met Loki." Kami smiled. "There are a couple other choosen ones I'd really like you to meet."

"We'll talk later." Loki smiled at the blonde young man. "I'm off to spike the drinks…get a little shipping going next chapter, if you know what I mean."

Kami then pulled Naruto in front of four young men, roughly around his age, if not slightly older…and a very cat like dragon.

"Blondie, meet Harry Potter, your western equivalent; the boy who lived and a wizard prodigy…"

Naruto looked at the glasses wearing man, who starred back.

"I don't see it." They said together.

"Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, your fellow patriot who also wants everyone to get along."

The two shook hands.

"Hiccup and Toothless, your fellow trickster heroes with a bond with a magical creature.

"Don't let Kurama hear that." Naruto mused.

"Who?"

"The giant demon fox that lives in my belly." Naruto replied. "And no, I'm not making that up."

"And finally, Avatar Aang; a trickster of a young monk who can control or 'bend' the elements of fire, water, air and earth."

"Don't forget energy." Aang smiled. "That's how I saved my world without killing my enemyl took his power."

Naruto and Harry smiled.

"I'd have killed for that."

"Cop-out!" Someone shouted.

"What? I heard that!" The Avatar roared, dropping his drink and walking up to the crowd. "Come on! Say it to my face!"

When no one came fourth, he turned around with a sly smile on his face. Naruto smiled, being familiar with that face as a fellow trickster.

"Or are you all 'know-nothing know-it-alls? Scared to mess up your pretty hair?"

"At least we HAVE hair!" Tony quipped.

The other chosen ones oooed at that comment.

"You kind of walked into that one, Twinkle-toes." Toph mused, Sokka laughing in agreement.

"And we don't freeze ourselves into a block of ice and run from our problems." Batman quipped.

Some of the attendees burst into laughter; Naruto and Steve were not among them for their own reasons; fallen friend and suspended animation respectively.

"Oh, you want to play that game, huh? Okay then…." Aang smiled evilly, before his face turned serious. "APPA! MOMO!"

The lemur then leapt onto and clawed at Iron Man's helmet, making the billonarie scream. The Sky Bison then leapt onto the air, only to be grabbed by very strong branches.

"I am Groot."

Appa hollered back.

"I am Groot."

What followed next was complete and utter yet incredibly awesome, chaos. So much happened that the author could not hope to transcribe it all, and begged his readers to add/ write their own thoughts.

Wonder Woman and Gamora began trading blows while Spiderman used his webs to trip and tie up several of the anti-heroes. Baymax fired a rocket punch that struck Thor and sent him flying into a wall.

"My apologies." Baymax said.

"No need, medic of machine!" The Norse God bellowed in delight. "Tis been a while since I last let loose!"

Harry grabbed his wand and began casting spells, making some of the weaker COs spit up slugs while Aang engaged the elemental users in an all-out brawl with Toph and Zuko aiding him. Sokka swung his boomerang into the back of Batman's skull, only to be attacked by Deadpool and forced to dodge his bullet until Hiccup commanded Toothless to sit on the insane mercenary.

"Now do you see why I didn't send invites to the Princesses or Mons?" Kami said to her head angel, who nodded in agreement.

"Oh yeah, this is awesome!" Naruto beamed as the JLA and Avengers came to blows; Hulk giving Superman a wedgie while Black Widow and Hawkeye took away Batman's utility belt and batarangs. "Did you see tha…?"

Sakura gave him a look.

"Right, right. I'm on it…" He sighed. "CHOOSEN ONES!"

The music and fighting promptly stopped, and all turned to see the groom.

"Ok, thanks." The future Hokage said. "Now…we've all had our fun, thrown a few punches…"

Throughout all of this, no one noticed little Naruko crawling around and picking up various dropped weapons.

"Now, show a little de…dec…What's the word again?"

"Decorum." Minato whispered.

"Thanks, dad."

Naruko then dropped a mace onto Batman's foot, making him scream in pain as they fight began

"I tried." Naruto shrugged before leaping into the fray.

"I'm surprised you're not getting involved, Loki." Kami mused. "This is a great opportunity you know…"

"Kami dear, we both know you know why I'm not getting involved." Loki smiled. "As much as I like the boy, I never tire of what is about to unfold."

Sakura, along with Ginny, Katara and Astrid, all giving each other the same, tired look, simply stood up from their seats and began walking through the crowd, which cleared for them and bowed in respect as they got closer and closer to the one fight they were interested in.

"You want a fresh one?"

"How'd you like to try that without your stick?" Aang smirked

"Toothless, sit!"

They promptly stopped at the sight of their loves staring at them, bored expressions on their faces.

A full minute later, the boys were being pulled back to the center of the room, their respective female companions holding them tightly by the ear.

"Now, what do you have to say?" Katara and Sakura both said.

"…Sorry."

Loki and Kami grinned at the hilarity of the whole scene.

"This is going to be more fun than that time I stole Thor's blankie and convinced him Baldr took it." The god of mischief smirked.

**Read and Review, suggest events!**


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